[DaiCroParticipant]

I was 10 years old and in hospital for just over 3 months with a blood disorder (unrelated). A bout of measles at home meant no visitors for a 3 week period and I was feeling incredibly lonely. I had a dream in which I went through a series of preparations after which I calmly but unerringly died. I woke in a cold sweat… the ward was full but fast asleep. Above the entrance/exit to the ward there hung a large white clock… it said 3:15 am.

As was, as is… and 48 years on, several times each month I will wake in the night… fully conscious, without any known cause and without any fear… and it will be 3:15am on the dot. 😉

This morning was no exception… only this time I didn't turn over and go back to sleep… I wrote this song lyric instead. Although it talks about going it is essentially (at least from my point of view) a positive song… in a 'use it or lose it' sort of way.8-)

I've been 'Dexed' – usually I don't get to sleep until 3am + but this time I slept soundly from 10:30ish until 3:15am … and I've stayed awake since… boosted by my 'DEXDAY TM' at 8am.:-D

For your consideration.:-)

Dai,

[b]I?ll Be Gone

1.[/b]
One day I will not be here, I will simply disappear
I?ll be gone, gone, gone
I could use a little tact but it?s still a matter of fact
I?ll be gone

[b]Chorus:[/b]
Can you hear me?
I?m trying to play it straight
Can?t you see me?
I can hesitate but time won?t wait
You see I know what?s going on
And when all is said and done
I?ll be gone

[b]3.[/b]
My friend Daniel waved goodbye as he set sail through the sky
Then he was gone, gone, gone
There are so many gone before and I?ll just make one more
When I am gone
[b]
Chorus:[/b]
Can you hear me?
I?m trying to play it straight
Can?t you see me?
I can hesitate but time won?t wait
You see I know what?s going on
And when all is said and done
I?ll be gone

[b]Bridge:[/b]
But until then I will be your guiding light
It?s up to you whether we make love or fight
Take the bull by its horns, like an unholy crown of thorns
Until I?m gone

[b]Chorus:[/b]
Can you hear me?
I?m trying to play it straight
Can?t you see me?
I can hesitate but time won?t wait
You see I know what?s going on
And when all is said and done
I?ll be gone

[eveParticipant]

Hi Dai
You are doing what you do best!!

I have a time it,s 4am don.t ask what I associate it with,but sure enough when it strikes 4am,I look at the clock and know the time without looking!!!

I do think about a lot of things and often wish I took a pen and paper to bed,my daughter does this every night,so you keep on with your writing time does does not,have any meaning,when you have nothing to conform too.
Love Eve

[DaiCroParticipant]

Hi Eve,

That's a very interesting point, conformity.

Once mm enters our lives everything changes, forever. After we have come to some sort of terms with the illness and its treatments etc., we try to fashion some sort of new reality, some sort of new 'normality'.

We have to conform to this new normality and then what? In with new and out with the old… the old has gone forever and, for me, how we fashion our new life will make a massive difference to how well we cope and… and I know this will sound controversial… (but I am becoming more and more convinced as I meet long term survivors) just how long we survive.:-|

Its not just a matter of being positive, although that always helps in getting through treatment, its also a matter of giving your life, giving yourself, some purpose.8-)

I am working on the purpose bit… I won't pretend its easy because I need to see that I have at least the chance of the time to see my purpose come to fruition (or at least the prioritised parts of it)… and now I am beginning to set some hope for that with Rev & Dex,. Although its still early days I cannot wait for permission from my consultant or from the disease… there are no guarantees, mm is too capricious for that… no, I only need permission from myself… and that's the hard part.:-|

I know that I have had (have) my share of depression… but I have to be kind to myself and accept that… and by accepting it, and in a strange way embracing it… I can give myself permission to keep on living and enjoy life as much as I can by doing the things that lift me… and for me (and Janet even more so) completing my writing projects is the ultimate lift.8-)

Regards to Slim, I hope he has got his eyes on the prize, the harvest and SCT are just part of the training and preparation.8-)

Much love:-)

Dai.

[Author]

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