[concernedsisterParticipant]

Our mother died last sunday from MM, she was 78 and had been diagnosed 3 years ago. Throughout those years my sister, who lives close by, did a huge amount of caring for mum, everything from watering plants, cleaning, shopping to personal care, until my mum had to go into hospital just after Christmas. I live in France and was coming over as much as I could (every few weeks) to take over but my sister did the lion’s share. She is tormenting herself with guilt now because she was unable, emotionally, to stay at the bedside while our mother was dying. It seemed to be a very difficult passing, not the peaceful slipping away we’d hoped for, and it was all too much to bear. In her own words she ‘legged it’ and she is feeling so bad about it. I have been trying to find some comfort online, some words to tell her it’s ok, but all I can find is (mostly American) stuff about how you MUST be there and not be so selfish , and how your parent needs you. Everything to compound my sister’s desperate state. Has anyone here been through similar, or have any thoughts? Thank you

[dickbParticipant]

I remember when my father died in 2001 that I wasn’t there, neither were my two sisters. My mother was there and my brother, we know that he died painfully – he’d had a stroke and finally died from pneumonia. I don’t regret not being there. It was not easy for my mother and if I were there I would have walked away. This to me is normal as we as people naturally move away from stressful or frightening situations. Sometimes, carers are sent away because those dying don’t want to be seen in such a state.

Guilt is an emotion that really doesn’t have any logic, it can’t help bring your mother back, it won’t help you or your sister look after yourselves or your families. My own opinion is that you should remember the good times but life needs to concentrate on the future. Having MM, I know that the chances of me reaching pension age are pretty slim – I’m 51 but when I do go, I don’t want my wife or daughter to dwell on of feel guilty about what has happened but to move on.

[concernedsisterParticipant]

Thank you Richard, I am sure that some people do not want their family round them- and believe that my mum was in that camp. We were never a family given to displays of emotion with each other, I can’t recall the last time I touched my mother apart from washing her in recent times, and that was appallingly difficult for me. No malice or anything, it’s just not the way we were. I have also had cancer, a GIST, which was removed 4 years ago needing a 2 week stay in hospital and I had no visitors at all (I was in Paris, and far from anyone) but neither did I want people to see me all wired/tubed up and looking gaunt and scary, I was better dealing with it alone.

And yes, guilt is pointless- I am hoping that my sister will get it out of her system as time goes on. She really was an amazing carer, even though it was often very difficult.

I am so sorry for your MM, but I am sure that your positive outlook is a massive plus point for you-

 

very best wishes and bon courage

[nicos7358Participant]

I went through a very painful experience with my father who died a very slow painful death from wegners granulomytosis, my mother made me stay and watch with her until his last breath.

It destroyed me for years.

My mother now has MM at 85 years old and i won’t be watching her till the end, I am here for her now but i will step back at the appropriate time .

You have to do whats right for you at the time, i assure you my father was unaware and not thinking “where is he?”

Tell your sister that she did the right thing  and may even be in a worse  position now if she had stayed , we are all different.

 

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