[keznmelParticipant]

Today I'm feeling suffocated! I'm frustrated and just feel like going upstairs packing a huge bag and running away so I can 'breathe'! My head is full off so much…'Has Melvin had his meds? How is his pain? What shall I cook for tea? Did I make the dentist appointment for Atlanta (our daughter)? How about the optitions for Dior (our son)? Has the dog been fed? What time shall I walk him? What is this new pain Melvin is explaining? Do I need to call the nurse? Are the boys clothes all washed for there few days holiday with Nan? Did I send that email for Atlanta's college? What day do we have to go to view? Have the bills been paid? Did I send all the relevant documents for the DLA claim?…………………………' I'm sick of it all and I don't have five minutes!

Life has changed so so much and it angers me! Why??? Why do I have to watch our 15 year old daughter Atlanta seem so sad at the moment? Isn't life hard enough at this age without having Cancer taking permanent residence in her life?? I feel guilty for not being able to protect our beautiful children from all of this! Life should be happy – having just the normal childhood worries – not thinking about Cancer and death! I know that it's an unjust guilt that I feel but I can't seem to stop feeling this way. I also feel guilty that I can't spend the time with them that they need and deserve as I'm consumed with running up and down the hospital, doing things for Melvin, having different people come in and out of our house, equipment being delivered all the time! How selfish do I sound?? I feel guilty for that too!

My Melvin is so strong – I feel like a crumbling wreck! I am trying so very hard to keep our family strong – meeting all of their needs but who is looking after me??

Sorry – I just needed to let that out. xxx

[HelenParticipant]

Dear Kerry
You just keep shouting girl, 🙁 it won't take the pain away but you might feel better for it. I still feel like shouting, crying and swearing and I'm in a much better place than most at the minute. You should read Mins lovely post yesterday, it doesn't change anything but puts into words some of the heartache we all experience. Our children learn to take it in their stride too, eventually.
Keep yelling, the people here are strong enough to take it and listen, and hold your virtual hand and give you a hug and wipe away the tears
Love Helen

[keznmelParticipant]

Thank you Helen..what a day I had yesterday! I do feel a little better today, although my moods are all over the place. Our twin boys, who are 11 years old have gone off for a little break with my mum. Suddenly my shoulders seemed to drop. We have a daughter who is 16 and she is still home with us but she is so independent. She is revising for her GCSE's at the moment and with that and socializing, she is a busy little lady. Just knowing that for three days I have 2 less people to look after is a relief. Feeling this way makes me recognize that this is all getting too much for me. Generally i am so patient, organized and I cope. Just now – I need a rock I think. It's just that my rock needs me to be his more at the moment. (sigh).

Thank you so much for reading – I do go on! :-S

Take care Love Kerry x x x

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