Dear Min
I cannot even begin to know how you feel. You have found that talking has helped a little. Maybe some bereavement councilling when you come home would enable you to move forward in some small way.
I am sure you know that you will get support on this site but it is not the same as having a sit down and a rant about how you feel.
I think that shouting at Peter and feeling angry with him is a very normal reaction. We feel angry because the person we love left. Then we feel guilty because we know that they did not actually choose to go.
It is almost as though what your heart is feeling does not tie up with what you know in your head.
I hope you stay in touch with us but I am sure we will all understand if you want to walk away from mm
Much love and good wishes from Gill xxx