Hi
I'm an MM wife, and wanted to give you my perspective. My husband was diagnosed almost exactly 1 year ago. He snapped his femur. Since then he has has CTD and an SCT (oh how we love initials) and is currently in full remission. He is 47. We have 2 children, 11 and 8. I am 40.
I am desperately sad and angry that this terrible disease has turned our world upside down. But am I putting my life on hold. Absolutely NOT. For better for worse, in sickness and in health. That's what we said. In the modern era, perhaps that doesn't mean as much to some as to others, but for me, it just means that we have to put the "sickness" bit into practice a little earlier than we anticipated.
For a partner, I can't think of much worse words in the world than "your husband/wife has cancer". But it has made us take stock. We have realised how much we love each other, and how precious that is.
Far from being on hold, we want to make sure we live our lives, and show that love to each other every day for as long as we have. I know that far from waiting for the end for me to move on, I want to fill the time we have with love and laughter, friends and family, so that if and when the time comes, I will have lots of memories. I cannot possibly imagine, and frankly don't want to ever contemplate, moving on. I feel, and I am sure your wife feels, blessed to have my husband.
My husband and I have discussed this, and rather than me moving on with my life, I was worried that he would leave me so that he could go off and have some last flings / time in the sun and do all the things he may not be able to do eventually.
I was worried that, bluntly, as the chances are that the children and I will still be here in a few years when he is gone, and I can't give up work and travel the world or spend the next 10 years flinging myself out of airplanes etc as I will have to provide for them when he is gone, he would want to leave us. He's said that actually, it makes him relish what he has and knows he is where he wants to be. It is a choice for us both to be where we are, with each other.
Now it is a horrible horrible thing, and there are no silver linings to this cloud, but if it makes you positively choose to be with your family, and vice versa then I say glory in that, and let your wife love you for the time you are together, and don't write yourself off yet.
You don't know how long you have. None of us do – I could be knocked over tomorrow. But if you don't get busy living and loving, you may as well get busy dying (with apologies for plagiarising the Shawshank Redemption). Make sure you have as good a time with your wife as you can, so that she can, if she is ever ready to, move on without regrets, and with a heart filled only with happiness.
Sorry about the soppiness. I'd probably give my husband a good clip round the ear and tell him not to be so daft if he said this to me, but I wanted to give you the longer, more detailed explanation of why I would!
Fiona
