Hi Gary,
I only just discovered this forum yesterday and your post which is the first I am replying to.
I have been on both sides of this situation. I had two plasmacytomas diagnosed in 2000 (when I was 36) and was treated with surgery, chemo, autologous stem-cell transplant and radiation. Following my treatment, my younger sister was diagnosed with Stage 3 Malignant Melanoma. Sadly, she died two years later.
Before my sister's diagnosis, I had always suspected that in some ways it can be harder for the relatives of the patient, than the patients themselves. And this was confirmed after her diagnosis. You want to be there to support but feel helpless. You want to make it all better but can't and so always feel you need to do more.
You absolutely should not feel embarrassed at all. I think it's lovely that you're getting involved in this forum. We're all part of this whether or not it's us or a loved one who's directed affected, and working together is such a good thing. Having cancer, you feel like you're part of an exclusive club but not in a good way. I think it's very helpful and supportive to have family and friends 'join the club' as it brings us all together in our respective battles.
I know it must be very difficult to see your sister feeling so low. It's of course easy to say 'just give it time' but when you're in it, it just seems so overwhelming. I can tell you that I did suffer and spiraled slowly into depression following my treatment in 2001. At first I just didn't realize it because you just think it's all post-treatment lethargy but eventually I got so bad that I was in a constant state of panic and finally contacted my GP and was put on anti-depressants which worked.
Your sister may or may not be suffering with depression but it's definitely worth talking to her about as it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of and there's lots of help for it. In the initial period when I started the anti-depressants, I was also given Diazepam to take if and when I suffered from panic. I found I rarely needed them but took great comfort in knowing I had them just in case. One of the problems with depression is that people often can't see it when they're in it and just feel like they need to 'pull it together', but sometimes that's just not possible especially with such a life-changing situation as being diagnosed with cancer.
I would recommend talking to her about how she feels and whether she thinks it might help to talk to her GP about the possibility that she's suffering from depression. She may feel that it's too early and just wants to take it slow and see how she feels and I can understand that. It is a slow process of recovery from treatment and things can and do move on. But as long as she knows you're thinking of her mental well-being and that you're there for her to support her in any way she needs, hopefully she won't hesitate to tell you if she feels she needs more help in this way. I'm sure she knows this anyway but it's good for her to hear specifically that you want her to be looked after emotionally as well as physically.
I'm very conscious I've been rambling so I should stop. Just to add that I am recently relapsed and am undergoing further chemo with another autologous stem-cell transplant to follow in the new year. I too don't feel like leaving the house! But I had 10 years of healthy remission and am confident they can do it again. And the drugs they have now are much better than what they had 10 years ago so I see things in a very positive light. I know it's early days for your sister but I hope she can take comfort in all these people, like myself, who continue to live relatively healthy lives with Myeloma.
I wish you all the best.
Kind regards,
Hara
