[annetteParticipant]

Dad passed away 845am Fri morning. After having been unresponsive for 18 hours he opened his eyes so we could all say goodbye, and then left us whilst holding our hands. He is at peace now. He has been so brave, and refused to let myeloma get him down or stop him doing things he wanted to do. He fought so hard against it and died fighting still! Do I feel relieved? No! Thought I would after seeing him so poorly but no I don't. I feel overwhelming sadness, and wish he'd never had myeloma and that I could wipe the past 2 years and still have him with me. But I guess that's normal …

[GeorginaParticipant]

Hi Annette

I am so so sorry for your loss. Like you, I didn't feel relieved when my mum died. I think I just felt numb. It just felt too soon, unfair and I wanted her back.

I found I went through so many emotions in the days, weeks and months after – tearful, angry, even jealous of other people who still had their parents! Give yourself time and use the support from your family. It is really hard but things do gradually get better. I found keeping busy was best for me and I gradually had more days where things felt ok. It can take a long time and no two people are the same.

Take care of yourself
George x

[dickbParticipant]

His pain has now stopped but yours will go on unfortunately. I know you can't rush the grieving process and it's glib to say it'll be alright but your job now is to focus on the living and to remember, to tell your family as much as you can about him, the good and the bad and to keep the memory of him going. All the best, for the next few weeks will be especially tough.

[GillParticipant]

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't log in very often now but I do think of you all. My husband died last September aged 57
The pain refuses to go but I cope somehow. You are right it is not a relief for those of us who are left. I guess that is just our natural human selfishness

Love from Gill

[DaiCroParticipant]

Hi Annette,

I am approaching the end of my MM journey. Although I still look Okay and generally feel Okay I have run out of officially recognised treatments and me and my medics are scratching around for treatments that will keep me going and extend my life for a few more months or weeks… we longer talk about years.

Recently, when feeling a tad down I asked my wife if I was becoming a bit of a burden… I added that I felt that perhaps it was time I kicked my clogs. I spoke with my tongue in my cheek… but even so I got a flea in my ear.

My wife said that the only time she would feel like that would be if I was suffering, with little option of recovery… until then she loved every hour of every day with me… she said that she never felt that I was a burden of any kind… that she knew that I would reciprocate every single form of care if it were here that needed care… and that was that. She also added that she never thought in terms of 'kicking clogs', that was my domain… my 'gallows humour'. 😉

And she speaks the truth… it is me that talks about 'relief' after I have gone… because it makes me feel pleased to think that after, or alongside, her grief, she will be able to do things such as travelling freely to visit our daughter in Wales (where we lived before coming to Nottingham for treatment). Travelling on holiday elsewhere… joining the WI which she has wanted to do for years but refuses to leave me, despite my encouragement. A whole plethora of small freedoms that my illness has curtailed. So it is my imagination that feels this idea of 'relief'. 🙂

Call it what you will… by any other name, by any other form… but it will eventually come… even though you will still wish that MM had never raised its head and that you could reclaim those years lost to this damned decease.

I wish you and yours as much happinesses and loving moments and memories of your Dad at this time. 🙂

Dai.

[PerkymiteParticipant]

My condolences Annette, I know it is hard when you lose a parent but it is in the natural order of things, not that that helps you one bit to know that.

I lost a Son at 19 years of age, I kept telling myself this was wrong he should bury me not me bury him. It was the hardest years of our 50 years of marriage. The local vicar said to me stick every photograph you have of him up on your walls and you will say hallo to him every day. We did and we did find it a great help.

I like Dai am on the wrong side of this decease, added to which I have another killer, Advanced Prostate Cancer. I have spent the last years building memories for my Grandchildren and through this for my Son and Daughter and finally my Wife.

I tell my wife that "I will never leave her" no matter what and I mean it.

Keep those memories alive Annette.

My kindest regards – vasbyte

David

[onlymeParticipant]

Annette I am so sorry for your loss.. I lost my lovely mum last July… Bolt out of the blue…. She had the all clear and all was well and then the demon was back… It was a ten day slow journey to be on.. I didn't cope very well after and was in a bit of state… I had to have counselling and couldn't stop crying… So many questions so many tears… The world stood still and I felt every emotion going…. Anger and sadness and ifs and only s and no concentration at all…. Couldn't focus…
What I want to say is that…. Don't be afraid to ask for someone ' neutral' to talk too, it took me about a month for the intense fog of grief to begin to lift it still was awful but I found a way to cope and a way to function and a way to start to look forward..
Here's a few rules…
Don't be hard on yourself
Don't be frightened of tears
Be with family or friends that will be there for you..l I had a friend who came to stop over on couple of nights…
Rest and try to eat…
Do what makes you feel calm look at pics if you can or put them somewhere safe to look at later.. They aren't going anywhere..
What would make you feel closer to your Dad..I took up gardening and feel I can hear mum talking to me!! As well as chuckling that I am making a 'pigs ear' out of it!! My hanging baskets are starting to flourish and I smile and think how proud she would have been …

Biggest hug and go gently and softly….
Xx
I tell myself that I although my journey wasn't pleasant I had valuable 'time' with Mum .. Time that will always be precious…..
And for that I am thankful…

[mhnevillParticipant]

Hi Annette

What you are going through is quite normal. You wouldn't be the loving daughter you were if you didn't bemoan the fact that MM ever came into your Dad's life.

So glad you were all able to say goodbye that is precious.

Hope your funeral arrangements go well. The last thing you can do for your Dad. I hope it is a fitting celebration of his life.

Love

Mavis xxxx

[VickycParticipant]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you mean, we lost my dad last October and even though I didn't want him to suffer anymore, wanted him to stay. I remember posting on here that they did the death certificate and I wanted to stamp on it for saying myeloma. I now don't post on here much as my sadness is to great. I still cry everyday. I am here dripping tears for you knowing your pain. Take care of your family, and just keep talking about him. Vicky

[tomParticipant]

Dear Annette

I am so sorry to hear about your sad loss, you are correct the feelings you have are am sure normal, and I hope the sadness soon passes a little bit as am sure your Dad being the strong man he was wont want you to spend your time sad, think of the good times you had and Try and forget this damn MM.

Love and hugs to you all at this sad time

Tom xxxx

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