[keznmelParticipant]

Today I'm feeling suffocated! I'm frustrated and just feel like going upstairs packing a huge bag and running away so I can 'breathe'! My head is full off so much…'Has Melvin had his meds? How is his pain? What shall I cook for tea? Did I make the dentist appointment for Atlanta (our daughter)? How about the optitions for Dior (our son)? Has the dog been fed? What time shall I walk him? What is this new pain Melvin is explaining? Do I need to call the nurse? Are the boys clothes all washed for there few days holiday with Nan? Did I send that email for Atlanta's college? What day do we have to go to view? Have the bills been paid? Did I send all the relevant documents for the DLA claim?…………………………' I'm sick of it all and I don't have five minutes!

Life has changed so so much and it angers me! Why??? Why do I have to watch our 15 year old daughter Atlanta seem so sad at the moment? Isn't life hard enough at this age without having Cancer taking permanent residence in her life?? I feel guilty for not being able to protect our beautiful children from all of this! Life should be happy – having just the normal childhood worries – not thinking about Cancer and death! I know that it's an unjust guilt that I feel but I can't seem to stop feeling this way. I also feel guilty that I can't spend the time with them that they need and deserve as I'm consumed with running up and down the hospital, doing things for Melvin, having different people come in and out of our house, equipment being delivered all the time! How selfish do I sound?? I feel guilty for that too!

My Melvin is so strong – I feel like a crumbling wreck! I am trying so very hard to keep our family strong – meeting all of their needs but who is looking after me??

Sorry – I just needed to let that out. xxx

[jmsmythParticipant]

Hi Kerry

I am also a carer (how I hate that word) to my husband Frank and I know exactly where you are coming from. Please, you are not being selfish and do not beat yourself up. Myeloma causes an enormous upheaval in you and your family's life. I have had 6 years to try to get my head round it and believe me I'm still not there. It's the first thing that I think of when I wake and the last before I go to sleep. I can only go on my own experience. Someone suggested that I see a counsellor. Has it been suggested to you? I was very sceptical the first time I went. But I did not like the counsellor so never went back. Then a friend put me in touch with one through Macmillan and I can honestly say that Robin saved my sanity. I talked to someone who did not know Frank and I was able to rant,rave cry and talk out loud about all my fears. Kerry I know it's not for everyone but it truly helped me. Im sure someone else who has been through similar experience will have other advice for you. Try and keep positive and believe me what you are feeling is normal

My very best to you and Melvin
Take care
Love Jean xx

[keznmelParticipant]

Thank you for your message Jean. Guilt is a very powerful emotion isn't it? I think it can be a visitor in most situations. Unfortunately, I over think absolutely everything too and scrutinize myself..'have I done enough?' etc..

We have been referred to Counselling, although the last two appointments were cancelled due to the Counselor being poorly. Our next date is the 5th November 2012 and so far so good. I have had counselling before and it really did work for me – I think I had the 'right' counselor which I do agree makes all the difference to the process. On the other hand – I'm not sure how Melvin will deal with it all. He doesn't find it easy to open up at the best of times but we will see. The children are being referred to a Children's Counselling Service but the waiting list seems to be quite long. they do currently see a Mentor at their schools, although it's still early days.

I'm just finding it hard at the moment – as I often do. I know i will be Ok and just get on with it because I have to. Oh… why does life have to be so tough?!

How are things with your husband at the moment? I do hope that things are as well as they can be.

Please keep in touch. I do have a fantastic support network but sometimes it's a relief to speak someone who 'gets it'!

Take care for now Kerry xxx

[jmsmythParticipant]

Kerry Frank would not go to the counsellor. He won't go to Info days – just wants to know what his consultant tells him. It is good that Melvin will go and talk to someone. I think it would do frank good but when I bring it up it causes a row. So I don't talk about it. I had to go back to the counsellor about 18 months ago as things were getting on top of me again. It has only been in the last two years that I can go out at night with friends. I just could not leave him. Even now when I go out I torture the poor man with texts.

I hope the children get to counselling soon. I think it will be good for the to talk to so done beside you and Melvin. They probably wouldn't tell you things as they would a stranger. I hope your session goes well and Melvin and yourself take car

Love jean x

[ready2fightParticipant]

so glad i read your post, I m similar situation, my daughter Tracey is 16, got the pets, business and most importantly Cyril my husband to care for. My parents live sin South Africa and the times I ve tried to speak to my mum we both just got so emotional so know I do the pretend I am ok all the time. But deep inside I am so scared…. A few weeks ago I was still living in this ideal world of thinking we ve got years but Cyril deteriorated these last 2 weeks so quickly from being OK and getting Zometa monthly to kidney failure was a huge shock. Cyril was ALWAYS the strong one and now to see him cry is to much for me! Though I must admit since he has been diagnosed last xmas i still havent cried just wanna be strong for him and Tracey and I am to scared to open the floodgates wot if i break down??? what if i can't stop crying?? Hope you having a better day today.
take care
Deirdre

[Author]

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