[VickycParticipant]

Hello, my name is Vicky, my dad at 70 has an aggressive mm. He has had for 5 years, and has fought so well. You name a drug he's had it and many combinations besides. In the last 2 weeks he has gone down hill, the tumour on his spine has now left him paralysed from the waist down. We are fortunate to have a medical family, so have brought my dad home for his last days/weeks. The reason I am posting is for my mum, they have been married nearly 50 years, and my mum is terrified of how she will cope without him. We as their children are trying to be strong for the both of them, however struggling with our own emotions and have openly admitted I cannot imagine what she is feeling. I am losing my dad she is losing her husband and her lifetime rock. I know there are many people who can identify with my family on this forum and would appreciate some encouragement and guidance. Thanks for reading my post. Vicky

[tomParticipant]

Hi Vicky

So Sorry to read about your Dad, 50 years is some time for your Mum and Dad and am sure they together have great memories which am sure loads of those are on Photo's ? I would use them to remember Dad in his Good Days prior to and during his treatment and try to push the bad times to the back.

I have heard people say to "Open new Doors fast but be slow in closing old doors" I wish you and your Family the strenth to get through all this.

Love Tom xxx

[VickycParticipant]

Thanks Tom,
The strength people have on this forum is amazing. At the moment I'm scared to lose him but scared of his suffering. Vicky

[PerkymiteParticipant]

Hi Vicky, We are in a similar position in that Mo and I have been married 50 years, or will be in November this year. I am suffering with Myeloma and my original prognosis was 2-3 years in 2009. I did not expect to reach my 50th and have been planning for my demise for the last couple of years.

One of the biggest problems for my Mo will be loneliness. I know my two children and the grandchildren will try their best but the brutal truth is that they will, at some point, have to get on with their own lives. I have seen it happen to other families who are just as close as us and we are a very, very close family. People get busy and the days turn into weeks etc?.

To this end I have been encouraging Mo to use the internet, she is now on facebook, emails friends does the banking and knows how to open our Gas/ Elec account and mobile phone/internets accounts, with much cursing and ?dam stupid things? thrown in! I am buying her the latest Kindle when it is released on 28th Oct ? she likes reading and her hands are getting arthritic. She is 68 and has a little job at an Insurance Brokers and I have encouraged her to continue working ? it is only ten hours a week and she gets out and meets people. I have also encouraged her to go out with her Sister and Friends at least two days a week which she now looks forward to and enjoys .

Of course I am worried about leaving her but I am a lot more confident she can cope with door sales men and nuisance phone calls ? she used to be very polite but now just puts the phone down on them etc?

There are contact sites for bereaved and there have been one or two recommend by posters on here when they lost their husbands so hopefully they will see your post and put them up again for you.

This is just some of my ideas you will no doubt have your own. But my recommendation would be to encourage her to be independent.

I have tried to face the practicalities here for you and you might be already way down this path but I hope it is of some help. I wish you and your family all the very best.

Kindest regards ? Vasbyte

David

p.s. Make sure if they use the internet she knows all the Passwords, check questions, usernames etc?.

[VickycParticipant]

Thank you David.
You are quite inspirational in your approach. My mum has always been the emotionally strong one with my dad and took care of the household. My dad was a practical man and fixed anything and everything. The sad thing for all of us is remembering him as he was just compounds our devastation of losing him. My mum has 4 daughters and 14 grandchildren, so has a lot of support, however having worked In palliative care for years, I am aware that there is a loneliness that you feel even when surrounded by people. As you suggest I will try to encourage her social side. I can only imagine after 50 years it will be like losing a limb. Grief is such a selfish emotion, I am crying for my loss, however do not want the pain and suffering for him. I am sorry to lay this out bare, especially as its all to raw for yourselves. I wish maybe it would have been better to prepare my dad for what was to come, we have allowed him to be ignorant. So it was a shock when he was told there wasn't anything else.
I can only thank you for reading this post and understanding. Vicky

[PerkymiteParticipant]

We all understand what you are going through so do not worry about "getting it off your chest" so to speak, all of us here are here because we want to help each other.

kindest regards – Vasbyte

David.

[tomParticipant]

Vicky

David is correct we all understand your feelings even though we are going through it, unlike your Poor Dad we here on the forum know what to expext to a certain degree :-/ and I also no big worry about leaving my young bride Elaine as I know she is a strong lady and we have some great friends and Family around us, But I aint going anywhere for many a year I hope.

As you say Greif is a selfish thing but its one that most people allow.

I hope your Dad is comfortable and not in any pain

Love and Hugs to you all, please post as often as you want to we are here for you all at this difficult time.

Love Tom xxx

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