Dear Gill
I understand why you want to be alone. That's how I wanted it. But I wasn't allowed.
I don't know what is worse being on your own, or putting on a pleasant face for those who don't want to see you miserable.
You have to experience the loss of your bestest friend and confidant, lover and carer, because with the best will in the world, till they walk in your shoes, they will never get it' or understand.
I get it and I know why you wanted to be alone. I also know how desolate you feel.
I am away from home right now and can't wait to get back to that quiet solitude.
Much love
Min x
Hi Sue,
Neighbours can amaze you when you least expect it.
I'm glad you have someone nearby,and hope it has helped you feel less alone.
Michael is still with you and now is the time to say what needs to be said, in order that you have no regrets. It is also the time to get Macmillan nurses involved as they are there for YOU too. Coping alone is soul destroying and having a Mac nurse will help you enormously and they can get someone in to give you a break for an hour or two.
Know that I and all your friends on here are thinking of you, and willing you the strength to bare all that this d*** disease throws at you.
If I can help in any way.
Min
Hi Gill,
I had my bereavement counselling with cruse 8 months after Peter died. They have a situation in which they do not like to see anyone until 6 months are up.
The 6 month time seams to be THE most raw and painful time when it all hits home that this is real.
I cried throughout the entire series of 6 sessions but at the end felt better for having spoken to someone of my innermost thoughts regarding my birth into widowhood.
Today it is all particularly raw as Peter would have been 60 and the sadness that he never reached the milestone is painful.
Christmas and all the associated happy times is equally painful and raw. (more tears)now on my second one without him, but the 1st one was pretty much a blur whilst I was in shock, so this one is hurting more. Wish I could hide till it was over.
Love MIn
Dear Gill,
I am now at 14months and felt I was doing well, I was at a party with about 50 widows on Friday night and on Saturday attended a memorial service for all patients who died it Critical Care Unit,.
I sobbed and sniffed thru the entire service which was beautiful and along with others in my pew blew our noses during the loud hymns!
Went out to a dinner and disco that night with red eyes but enjoyed myself, then came home the following day to an empty house and had another cry.
Ups and downs are a part of my life now and never know when these moments are going to hit me. My dogs keep me grounded too.
Love Min
Dear Susannah,
I can see she was particularly insensitive, but its done and she has given you the opportunity to prepare. Not many people get that opportunity, often dying suddenly whilst still hoping as I did with Peter so grasp the moments you share, to discuss all the .things you have been afraid to confront. Talk until you are horse and enjoy each day. Her timings may be totally innacurate, either way.
But you now know, its not what you wanted to hear, I was told 6 months and it was 6 weeks! But knowing is better than not knowing. Turn this negative into a posative if at all possible. Talk talk talk. Where possible make a voice recording of you conversation. I long to hear Peters voice…….. wish I had some way of finding a recording longer than 20 seconds …….
Your in my thoughts
Min
Dear Gill,
I know how you feel, modern day society has no place for death. We all know we are going to die but no one wants to discuss it. Its the last social taboo.
I went out to lunch on Saturday with four lovely ladies from my group. I had only met one of them before but we talked non stop about our husbands, there death , our reactions to there death. And how we are now coping. There Were a few tears but no one minds and we all understand. The web site is the same with chat about how we are coping and what works for us with advise and exchange of ideas.
I don't know how I would be without it but we welcome everyone with open arms to a group which is closed to all except bereaved.
You will find a group of people who you can pour your heart out to,that will understand so readily what you are going through as we are all at different stages of grief.
Widows will be the only people who will understand how to respond and react to you. I was equally ignorant before Peter died how to react to a bereaved wife or husband. I was embarrassed to cry and forced to pretend I was OK, when I was screaming inside and hurting from the Oscar winning performance I was producing to make others believe I was OK so they would not feel uncomfortable.
Its difficult but I had to tell people to to discuss Peter openly rather than pretend he had never existed, as that was what hurt most. If I mentioned him they would steer the conversation away….. not knowing how much I wanted to talk about him.
You need to find the courage to explain this, in your new life,as this is how it is, its a new life a new world and its terrifying at the moment but you will adjust slowly and know I understand.
Min x
Here is my two pennies worth.
Peter had had a double heart bypass 8 years before his MM. Stress off the richter scale as daughter had booked her wedding in New York which co- incided with his op.
Fast forward 8 years and diagosis of MM. I knew in my heart of hearts because of how poorly he was at diagnosis there would be little chance of him beating it.
When he died so suddenly, my stress was on 'hold' I had non of the usual stress effects but went into shock mode. There is a pain which is hard to describe but no mental anguish.
It was some months later when the reality of it all hit me. I had mild sort of petty mall attacks along with blurred vision which worsened to near blindness. That in itself was stressful as I was on my own with no help.
GP was aware it was a stress problem but nothing he prescibed including councelling worked.
Then, some kind person suggested I try Reiki.
I had never even heard of Reiki let alone know what it was. But I had reached the end of my tether and decided not to do any research on it.
I just found myself a recommended person who came to my home spent 3 hours with me …..and left me a changed person.
Within 24 hours I had no more problems and the calming effect was amazing.
It wont necessarily work for everyone but its worth a try, and for me far more effective than councelling.
I have called on her on two other occasions for medical help, for me it works and just allows me to Chilax and take things in my stride,
The stress of diagnosis is learning to accept that a planned way of life hope and dreams of growing old together is is interupted. A period of adjusment to a new way of life and being tied to the medication and clinic and all the constraints this has on your new way of life. You will adjust but the changing circumstances of your personal fight requires further adjustment and lots of periods of reflection.
Non of which you were ever prepared for.
When life is 'good' and your going along normally its fine then something sticks a spanner in the works and chaos reigns, but just for a while.
You adjust again, and again and wait for the storm to pass, so you can dance in the rain.
Min
I am so sorry Rachel, he was far too young to die, and had so much more to give. My thoughts go out to you at a very sad time. My husband died in much the same way, from infection and the shock is too much to bear, when you have so much hope.
Please take good care of yourself and know I am thinking of you
Min
How did the Traipsing go Dai? Cant wait to hear all about it in glorious Technicolor and you usual ? prose? some photos wont go amiss too.
Waiting with baited breath
Min
ps hows my book coming on?
Dear Ann
Im so sorry John lost his battle to stay with you, cant imagine how awful it must be to fight cancer then succumb to some other retched disease. Life is just so unfair. My heart goes out to you and your family at this sad time.
Min
Hi Vicky,
So sorry you lost your Dad, and I understand how lost your mum must be.
There is an online support group called Merry Widows, and another called Way up. I found the merry widows too depressing personaly. But joined way up after about 4 months. Before then I don't think it would have helped as life is one big blurr of heartache and confusion. It takes quite some time for the reality to sink in that your lifelong partner is not coming home. Your mum needs a lot of support up to that point as your mind functions a little as it did when you have children.
Ie you lose a lot of brain cells due to distress and anxiety. Panic attacks are regular events once your left to cope on your own, and the intense loneliness is indescribable.
All of the above leaves you prone to illness, so keep a close eye on her.
Way up is a closed, group. You have to request permission to join. You cannot join on her behalf as we are a very vulnerable group and care is taken to vet those who want to join, to ensure we are not exploited.
Sleeping will be her biggest problem, and your gp can help there. Eating is another issue that will need to be addressed as eating and sleeping once the family have gone can be a chore.
Few widows experience a good nights sleep. ( I remember being on this forum in the days my husband was diagnosed, sleeping fitfully but this is entirely different to then)
The day to day existance is challenging especially when things go wrong or break down. The one person who would have helped sort out any problem is the very person who created the 'aloneness.
Having no one to do nothing with is what I miss most. Having no one to consult when making decisions no matter how trivial, is difficult.
I wish there was a course on how to live alone as I had never been on my own for as long as I now have. I left my family home to marry Peter,and apart from time he was away in the RAF we were rarely apart overnight.
Your mum has a major period of adjustment to endure and and will not ask for help, but you must offer it at regular intervals in case she really can't ask.
Give her a few months to mourn before suggesting way up. When she is ready she will know.
Take care of her
Min
Dai
Its just not right you going AWOL and not letting us know your unwell!
You must teach Janet how to use your computer in your absence or get a tablet to take to hospitals. 3g enabled of course.
Seriously though sorry to hear you have been in the war's with all the health problems in your history you would think they would keep you a bed in your favourate hospital just in case!
Get better and skip your daughter down the aisle, then tell us all about it.
Have a look at some reiki,wish I had known about it when Peter was alive, I would have had my practitioner person living on the premises.
Its got lots of benefits not least just learning your body how to truly relax, it involves no effort other than closing your eyes and just as your advise to me about the Secret is helpful I think reiki is equal to it for MY health. I have been on anti biotics for 6 months and I remembered Reiki lady who got me off them at last. You know you worth it….
Much love
Min
Yes Helen I did get on holiday, it was brilliant. Loved every moment. Cried occasionally as we all did but on the whole laughed a lot too.
To date I have now gone the longest time with no intervention except reiki and I got 'wellied ' most nights and some afternoons too, so put my kidneys under a lot of stress! Lost the stress at last.and learnt to relax at last,which I had forgotten how to do.
. Talked the hind legs off the donkey,and looking forward to the next holiday in about 6 months time.
Working as a volunteer, now and going to patchwork classes to turn Peters shirts into a quilt. So keeping busy. Moving forward slowly.
Min x
Hi Helen,
I wonder if you have considered Reiki?
I have had six kidney infections in the past six months. Each time suffering back ache followed by stomach pain, high temperature, then up all night going to the loo. I was on lots of anti biotics and pretty darn sick of it whilst waiting for a scan. I was going off on holiday to Crete with a party of 30 widows and widowers, and it follows I wanted to imbibe but anti biotics would have put paid to that.
I called a lady who had helped me a lot after Peter died, and she came and did her 'thing'
For the first time in 6 months I was well,continuously……
I don't know what she does I just know it works.
Good to hear your getting on holiday too.
Min
Hi David its called a Dead good job. On Wednesday evenings BBC2 Catch it on I player its weekly series
Min
