Dear Roz
I would urge you to take that invite up, and dont put it off for another day , it just gets harder, dont worry if you end up in tears, it is absolutely allowed.
Furthermore its a wonderful escape valve, I cry and laugh and scream and shout and cry some more and then tell Peter off for getting me in this state.
Who else can I blame? The Doctors the hospital The Main Man up there?
Or just fate and the luck of the draw . Its the cuddle to tell me its fine to be like this I miss and there was only one person who could make it all right and he is not here. So i pat the dog then cuddle another one and frequently feel better by the time the 3rd has licked my face.
Min
Hi Eve,
Its true I don't want to but I never refuse an invitation. I know all too well how I could turn inwards and never speak to another soul but feeling sorry for myself is not going to move me forward.
I know I am in pain?. both mentally and physically but feeling sorry for myself will not make it better. Although I think I am allowed, the little pills are having some dreadful side effects so tried to give them up but realize I need to ask to try some others for a while, at least till my 1st christmas without my soulmate is over.
Love MIn
Dear Jean.
The important thing here is Frank has recognised that things are not right and has rung the hospital.
Those two things are the correct things to do and he knows it. What he does not know is how his not telling you is affecting you? or perhaps he knows you better than you think and knows you will worry worry worry. and rightly so.
Its a man thing I suspect he planned to get it dealt with and tell you if its something to worry about? Men ???. cant live with them cant live without them.
Tomorrow no doubt all will be revealed and in the meantime I have no doubt you will spend a sleepless night worrying and be so tired that you cant take it all in tomorrow so have a glass of whatever helps you to relax and try and sleep as he most definatly will need you to be on top form tomorrow as he is obviously worried too.
My thoughts are with you and I will pray for a good outcome for you both.
Love MIn
Dear Roz,
mushrooms does not have an E in it Im afraid. But I do understand ?.. my head is similar to that of a pregnant woman if its at all possible to make that analagy..
I am learning that grief is painful experience, not just psychological, but genuinly painful and the memory plays non stop tricks but its recognised as being real. So??.. so put the game back on course I will play ROOMSERVICE leaving ICE for the next player sorry
Min
Ball in a Jar
One day I saw a notice for a talk on helping people through bereavement by Barbara Monroe, the Chief Executive of St Christopher's Hospice in London. When I arrived, what I saw resembled a physics lesson. On the table before her was a very large glass jar. Beside were three balls: one large, one medium-sized, one small. Without a word, she began to stuff the large ball into the jar. With a great deal of effort, she wedged it in.
'There!' she said. 'That's how grieving feels at first. If grief is the ball and the jar is your world, you can see how the grief fills everything. There is no air to breathe, no space to move around. Every thought, every action reminds you of your loss.' Then she pulled the large ball out of the jar and put in the medium-sized ball. She held it up again, tipping it so the ball rolled around a bit. 'Maybe you think that's how it will feel after a time – say, after the first year. Grieving will no longer fill every bit of space in your life.' Then she rolled the ball out and plopped in the small ball.
'Now, say, by the second or third year, that's how grieving is supposed to feel. Like the ball, it has shrunk. So now you can think of grief as taking up a very small part of your world – it could almost be ignored if you wish to ignore it.' For a moment, considering my own crammed jar, I thought of leaving. 'That's what everyone thinks grieving is like,' the voice continued. 'And it's all rubbish.' I settled back into my seat. Two other glass jars were produced from under the table: one larger, one very large.
'Now,' she said, imperiously. 'Regard.' Silently, she took the largest ball and squeezed it slowly into the least of the three jars. It would barely fit. Then she pulled the ball out and placed it in the next larger jar. There was room for it to roll around. Finally, she took it out and dropped it into the largest glass jar. 'There,' she said, in triumph. 'That's what grieving is really like. If your grieving is the ball, like the ball here it doesn't get any bigger or any smaller. It is always the same. But the jar is bigger. If your world is this glass jar, your task is to make your world bigger.'
'You see,' she continued, 'no-one wants their grief to shrink. It is all they have left of the person who died. But if your world gets larger, then you can keep your grief as it is, but work around it.' Then she turned to us. 'Older people coping with grief often try to keep their world the same. It is a mistake. If I have one thing to say to all of you it is this: make your world larger. Then there will be room in it for your grieving, but your grieving will not take up all the room. This way you can find space to make a new life for yourselves.
I found this and thought it was very good and worth sharing
Min
Hi Gary and welcome to our very exclusive club.
i can identify with all you are feeling and how your sister is responding.
Its just a thought but?. I can remember the time my husband was on Thalidomide and all the other drugs to go with it.
If you sister has previously been a well person the quantity of drugs can be overwhelming, and if in the 1st instance she did not feel too ill, the quantities of medication are a pointer of how ill she is. Bringing it home to her that she has the dreaded C.
More importantly she will have read all the literature and been given a pep talk about how she may get an infection and how she must respond quickly to it by seeking assistance from the hospital who are treating her.
My husband was terrified of catching germs and initially became something of a recluse refusing to go out in crowds for fear of getting a cold or flu. Particularly at this time of year.
Perhaps you could suggest a walk in a park or countryside where no crowds and no germs! Then at least she can get some fresh air and excercise.
However must not forget the fact that all of those drugs will be leaving her feeling lousy. But she will respond eventualy and start to feel better but slowly slowly.
Patience is needed here as its it a long slow recovery and support is far more important at the moment.
Just let her know you will be there for her for whatever she needs you for and she will respond eventualy when she is up to it.
Regards
MIn
Hi,
I know exactly where you are. I cried while I put up the tree and looked to the cards for a long time, not wanting to sign just my name:-(
My grandchildren are a long way away and they will never see my tree! so dont know why I bothered. I just wanted to prove to myself that i could do it.
But I feel right now I am going backwards not forwards. There is no good time but Its a dreadful time of year to be a widow, so full of memories and like you Sarah, flashback and re living of his last days. I cant decide if Im reliving them to be able to verify the facts or what.
Its so difficult, we had over 40years together and I am lost without him.
Love Min
Hi Eve
Please make sure you get a referral for that tooth out for slim. Regular dentists are not up to the job in as much as you need to go to a dental hospital or similar as Peter had the same problem and there is a very high risk of osteocronosis following tooth extractions when on all of the meds slim is on especialy the bone stuff?. Forgot its name already how bad is that? no just remembered zometa or pamindronate ? Better safe than sorry as the hole left by the extraction sometimes does not heal and continues to bleed.
Love MIn
Hi Susanah and Michael.
OMG you must have both been devastated at this news, but perhaps by now you have had time to digest it and got over the shock and realised that this is not the end.
If Michael is up to it you must enquire about whatever else is available. On the plus side the fact that the numbers have not gone up. Is a good thing because bendamustine is obviously holding it in abeyance. Otherwise his numbers would have gone thru the roof.
Take some time out to gather your thoughts do some research and chat to Ellen on the helpline if your at the end of your tether.
Never say never and I hope you find some answers and some peace as I know how disturbing news of this nature , I will cross my fingers and say a pray to your guardian angel for Michael.
Love MIn
Hi Eve
Briliant news and especialy at this time of year. At Tom would say Onwards and Upwards. sounds like the finish line is in sight and do hope all your and Slims dreams come true for Christmas.
Im off out for dinner with son before he leaves again so time for a few tipples it would be rude not to especial when Im not driving!
Love Min
Hi Sarah
it sounds like you timed out!!! go into your post and edit it and add what you lost then you can take your time How are you? Im feeling down today, peters birthday tommorow so sad.
Love Min
Hi Jenny,
I know where you are coming from, having been where you are in the past.
My husband was being treated by a so called kidney specialist who saw him every week took blood tests every week and and some point, when He told he her he had a dreadful pain in his back that co-incided with with a very elevated calcium reading in his blood test, she told him she was going to refer him to a haematologist; At the same time her colleague told my husband to stop drinking so much milk as it may be responsible for the high calcium reading.
When the calcium levels dropped she stopped the idea of him seeing the haematologist. The so called team meeting did not take place or at least one of the professionals would have suggested myeloma.
It was not until I told her, Peters mother had died of MM that she finaly jumped into action by which time it was too late.
I researched the !Kyphoplasty got his referral as his professional had not even heard of balloon kyphoplasty!!!!!!
WE my husband and i did all the communication between the two professionals with an occasional phone call or letter between them.
The team approach is something that they pay lip service too, but rarely happens.
You will have to have a very strong will to get things done and a determination to ensure it happens as we found the only time the team actually gelled was when He was finally diagnosed with MM and and they actually spoke to one another with regards to palliative care. But only because I insisted that I was not going to allow him to come home until they addressed his long term pain? within 24 hours he had had a massive blast of radio therapy and a pain management Dr and nurse followed by a social worker and a macmillan nurse and macmillan professional to get all the items he needed at home to allow him to get out of his chair that he slept in as he could not get upstairs.
Dont be afraid to get angry, if you don't get the correct responses as in my opinion they do respond, but they are often more concerned with the pennies than the patient.
Good Luck to you both and particularly to you as you will be doing the most worrying and the most responses.
Regards MIn
Hi Bridget,
A very dear friend and colleague of mine was dying of breast cancer and secondary brain tumour and she told me a few months before she died that she worried about how her husband was going to cope with organising her funeral.
I suggested that she should take the worry away by arranging it herself and she thought it was such a good idea, and couldn't imagine why she had not thought of it before.
Her funeral was on the day Peter had his stem cell transplant and I got there too late to get into the church but the crowd outside was enormous.
Using this as a way of making it easier on our loved ones at a time of great sadness when the last thing you want to do is arrange what you think your loved one would want.
ON a lighter note if big if I could make my own coffin I would but I will make do with a cardboard one as I wont have much use for it HEE HEE.
Peter had been teaching me before he died to use an electric drill, and yesterday I succeeded in putting an automatic door closer on the lounge door as the darn dogs keep leaving it open. i was soo pleased with myself, now I have to get up to let them get out DOH!
Love MIn
Hi David
Im pleased the service went well. That final goodbye is such a whirlwind I cannot remember much of Peters funeral but I do have a full copy of the humanist service we had.
In my case I chose a humanist who purely by co-incidence happened to be an ex chief Inspector in my police force.
He spent almost 4 hours with us asking a million questions almost like an interogation prior to a statement but in the nicest possible way and with a great deal of sympathy and fun and involvement of our children.
I told him that Peter was a very private man with a love of his RAF and the service was all bout Peter, his life before me with me with the children and in the RAF.
Everyone who attended than learnt something of the private man they never really knew. I had told him that Peter always bought me flowers when we had an argument or tiff and at the end of the service he took a flower from my wreath and gave it to me to be dried and preserved.
He e mailed the service he was going to read out in order that I could correct any errors and it was an amazing event with very few tears as it celebrated his life and achievements.
The company who did the funeral went above and beyond to get us a bugler to play the last post, and a Union Flag for the coffin.
I was sent a questionnaire by both the humanist society and the funeral company to see what I thought of both of them.
I also have the opportunity to buy my own funeral at todays prices, In the region of £3000 and arrange it. (company is called DIGNITY) and are more or less nationwide with localy named company?s
I do think arrangeing your own funeral is a good option but I particularly did not want a ?Drive By? funeral where the hearse pulls up at the house for Peter and I went for the tranditional and old fashioned and to some quite shocking !! of having my husband home in his coffin the day before the funeral.
We all drank and had silent last words with him and even the grandchildren were ok with it. In future they will think it is ?normal? to lie at home before a funeral.
Funerals are very touchy subjects to most but its about respect and saying our last goodbyes in whatever way suits you.
Love MIn
Big ELEPHANT over to you with ANT
Min
