[RozParticipant]

Hi All

I've had quite a bit to drink and in agony before I came on site.
Nothing went to plan!! I got a phone call last Thursday that Michael was in agony, scared,distressed and lots more. He believed I was having an affair because I wasn't there. So since that day till 8.30pm last night. I was in his hospital room, in and out of my chair and sleeping in it if you call it that.
I've dealt with alsorts, its been painful, hard and distressing. I darn't sleep because of what I keep seeing. Hoping the 2 wines and hot brandy and lemonade will help, cos I've really made myself ill. I should be in bed now cos my legs are like elephant trunks.
Any way Michael refuses to go!! His breathing has gone from the shallow croaky to deep heavy breathing. He is at peace without fully dying. Due to making myself ill and lack of sleep. I came home last night. I'll go again boxing day if I don't hear from the hospital telling me that his breathing is changing. They expect it to be around another 4 days time. But noone knows. From being so ill to be moved, he has defined all odds and will not cross over the line. I keep breaking and try and stop myself from seeing all things I have seen so pleae forgive me if it upsets anyone. Michael has been through hell and only I could comfort him. I feel sp quilty for coming home but the doctors and nurses were worried about me. My agony of pain brought me home too, but I still think I have let him down.
I've still got the next hurdle to deal with yet and then I may break and cry for ever.

Thanks All
Sorry if I've upset anyone
Roz

[nickinooParticipant]

Hi Roz,

Words fail me I am afraid, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this, if it is any consolation I think you are so so strong and brave, an inspiration, and you certainly won't be upsetting anyone with your post, we all just feel so very upset for you, Micheal and your family.

Micheal will be so proud xx

Take care xxx

Nicki

[SharonGParticipant]

Dear Roz

you have had such a tough time and you should have no reason to feel guilty. You have been with Michael as much as you can, it is not going to help him if you make yourself ill by being there.
As a nurse who has worked in the local hospice for 10 years, I have seen relatives like you sit for many days and nights at their loved ones bedside, they may just even have gone to the toilet when it happens. Sometimes its as if they wait for their loved ones to go before they move on. I think it must be because they can't face leaving this world and leaving their loved ones. I hope you understand what I am trying to say Roz.
If he is pain free and peaceful, then he is being well looked after and you should not worry yourself Roz. You have been so strong, it is especially difficult at this time of year.
Thinking of you

Sharon x

[doddelParticipant]

Hi Roz,

I have been following your posts for a while now, hope you start to have better health for yourself soon – my dad just passed away last Friday so I know what you are going through with the waiting.

Please don't feel guilty for taking time out to look after yourself – I'm sure your husband would want that for you.

My thoughts are with you at this hard time.

Donna xx

[NettieParticipant]

Dear Roz

I am pleased to hear you have gone home to give yourself a break and hopefully catch up on some rest. In my opinion I think that what you are going through now is the very worst and when the time comes for Michael to finally let go and pass away you may feel a sense of relief and there is absolutely nothing wrong about feeling that. Watching the person you love most in the world suffer is just dreadful and to know they are finally at peace and pain free is almost comforting so please, please don't feel guilty – everything you are feeling is completely natural. Everyone grieves in a different way and it sounds as if you are already experiencing a huge amount of grief.

Michael is comfortable now and you must look after yourself and if that includes a couple of drinks then don't feel bad about that either. You and Michael are in everyones thoughts and prayers and although we may be miles apart you are not alone – if everyone in the world had someone like you to love and care for them as you do for Michael the world would be a better place.

Stay strong Roz, I wish I could be there to give you a hug.

Love Nettie xx

[mhnevillParticipant]

Dear Roz
May I add my thoughts and prayers to everyone elses. Do not beat yourself up. This ia a terrible time that you are going through. Let others' care for you give you the strength you haven't got in yourself. You have given so much that you are runing at under "empty".
My prayer for Michael is that he may soon peacefully pass from this painful life and that he may soon to that place where there is no more pain, no more tears.
The love you and Michael have had for each other will last through all eternity.
My prayer for you is that you may first of all get some relief from your own physical pain, so that you can face all the emotional challenges that are assalting you.
May you know, in some miraculous way, some of the peace of Christmas, for yourself and for Michael.
All love.
Mavis x

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