[GillParticipant]

I think it is Charles Dickens A Tale of 2 Cities that starts out "It was the worst of times and the best of times" I walked around the house in France sobbing. Stephen died last September and we hadn't been back since way before then as he had got so ill.

His heart was always in the little village where our old house is (it will be the most beautiful house in France one day, after all I didn't take this on to die before I finished it 😐 He did not get that choice)

The neighbours were lovely. They were so kind most of them cried and that started me off. The house has 2 pieces of land neither of them attached to the house. The larger one is adjacent to the last house in the village about a 10 second walk from our front door. It has building permission and Stephen wanted to build a one storey, 3 bedroom house with a fair sized surrounding garden for when we were old and couldn't manage our large sprawling house with it's 2 staircases and 27 foot salon. The salon is filled with spare furniture, new oak doors that Stephen bought in a sale, spare fridge, boxes of plumbing fittings, ditto electrical fittings and loads of tools and building materials. Many years ago the house had been a large bar and general shop hence the huge salon

One of our neighbours keeps sheep and we agreed that she could graze the sheep on our larger piece of land which means we have never needed to worry about getting the grass cut but I had already decided that Stephen would share the field with the sheep.

Armed with a bottle of champagne, 2 glasses and Stephen's ashes my friend and I went over to the field (the sheep are never there when we visit as Crystelle takes them elsewhere although Wellies are needed due to sheep poo)

I sprinkled Stephen's ashes, doused him in champagne, we drank a glass each and I broke my heart again. Back at "La Maison du Puits" (the house with the well) we lit the wood burner, got a make do and mend supper and finished off the champagne. Why is it that fizzy alcoholic drinks always hit the spot so easily?

I did think about selling the house when Stephen died but as long as I can drive there I want to keep it. [b]And[/b] I drove with an injured back after stepping on an aerosol can, rolling and then falling on it, (I did all the driving to and from the tunnel as well as in France as my friend had never driven an automatic car and didn't want to try it out). Stephen's (now mine) 2 little naughty Westies were as good as gold traveling and it is a very long journey I think I will return probably around September
time but on my own + dogs

I suppose this has been the end of a chapter in my grief although I cannot imagine the pain ever going.

I did feel good managing to do the journey and coping. Something Stephen always said I was capable of.

I don't post very often but I do follow all of your journeys and I wish you all well.

Love from Gill xxx

[tonyfParticipant]

Hi Gill.
What a wonderful, sad, thing to do, and what a pleasant last resting place for your husbands ashes.
Lets pray that he is now at peace,in a place that I am sure he loved.
I am sure that it is not the end of your grief, that you will always remember, but remember with a smile, not a tear.
Love to you.
Tony F

[dickbParticipant]

Hi,

What a very touching thing to do, just keep remembering but also ensure that you have a life as well.

[PerkymiteParticipant]

Hi Gill, How nice to hear from you again. I think what you did was marvellous, it will make it all so special for you.

Just hang onto those Memories Gill of which I know, from your posts, you have many. You are right the pain will never leave you, it dulls but it will always be there. I lost my 19 year old son 26 years ago but his memory can still brings tears to my eyes, but also laughter when I think of his antics :'-( 😀

OK, time to get on with life, as I am sure Steven would have said.

All the very best of luck to you, and the dogs.

My kindest regards – vasbyte

David

[jmsmythParticipant]

Dear Gill

It's good to hear from you again and am so glad that Stephen is back to where he loved. Your post brought tears as i read as uour post showed just how much you loved Stephen. As David said the pain will never go away but somehow you come to live with it. Your house sounds wonderful and you will get much enjoyment from carrying out the renovations that you both had planned

I remember a post you wrote couple of years ago when Stephen said "I'm not going to break out in a bad attack of myeloma" when travel insurance was being discussed. I read your post to Frank and he says it all the time when it's suggested we go on a break

Take care Gill you will always have your great memories
Love Jean xx

[eveParticipant]

Hi Gill

Well I echo what has been said,no one wants to be we're you are right now, but we all know its coming.:-(

It is a shame,that dreams v
Have not been full filled,but life goes on,you cannot stop the world,you just get off the roller coaster ,but it does leave you a bit lost as that has been your life for a long time,

Gill no matter were you scatter Stephens ashe,s ,life must go on,you have done yourself proud ,just making the trip,Stephen had very faith in you ,you just have to find the courage to move forward.

My love and best wishers to you,make sure you keep lots of bubbly in the fridge,to raise a glass to Stephen,Eve

[tomParticipant]

Dear Gill

Its great to hear from you and its a touching story you wrote and a well done you and your Friend for achieving that ( Stephen was correct )

The Ashes might be in France but Stephen is in your heart and your memories, make sure you only keep the good Memories and Dump the bad ones.

You know I send Big Hugs and lots of Love, Keep in Touch and take Care.

Lots of Love and Big Hugs.
Tom xxxxx

[DaiCroParticipant]

Hi Gill,

[quote] [i][b] I suppose this has been the end of a chapter in my grief although I cannot imagine the pain ever going. I did feel good managing to do the journey and coping. Something Stephen always said I was capable of.[/i][/b] [/quote]

Rather than seeing your grief as an end of a chapter, cannot you imagine it as the beginning of a new story? A story where you collect, select and then collate your favourite and therefore most painful chapters of life with Stephen. Perhaps you can live them out, where appropriate and then choose methods to end each chapter with a positive action, as in this particular case. 🙂

The reason I don't see this chapter as an ending, is due to Stephen now residing in "La Maison du Puits"… or at least in one of its fields nearby. You now have something to draw you back… many times over many years. I can imagine Crystelle moving the sheep for each first day… to allow you some Wellie clad privacy, for smalltalk conversations and hopefully, ever decreasing heartbreaks. Its allowed… you can allow yourself many things at "La Maison du Puits"… small, big and extremely large, if you so wish. 🙂

You can take into consideration any thoughts that Stephen might have voiced or thought aloud… but ultimately it is down to you. Put on your Wellies, walk through your field and tell him what you have decided if you so wish… but each and every decision… upon every single action, small, big or extremely large… will be yours and yours alone. 😎

It is now your story, your life and although your grief may now be measured by the pain you feel I am sure that you will be able to cope with it much better with the beginning of each new chapter. As you have stated… "It was the worst of times and the best of times"… well we can see the worst of times, perhaps we will now be able to see some of the best of times… for you and for Stephen as he reflects in each of your small glories at "La Maison du Puits". 😀

[quote] [i][b] "It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known." [/i][/b][/quote]

So ends Dickens' "A Tale of 2 Cities"… but perhaps we can apply the first part to your endeavours: "It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done" and the second part to Stephen, free of pain and, if you choose to believe, as I do and I will, at complete rest: "it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known." 😎

I hope so. 🙂

Much love and deepest respect

Dai.

[GillParticipant]

Oh Dai

What a beautiful message. Needless to say I cried, but not from grief. I cried from the knowledge that, over the years, I have had so much support from all my cyber friends on this site. People who I will never meet but are there for anybody who needs support (as I hope I have been)

Stephen read every post and had his say through me. (he took at least 10 minutes to type 2 words and then they would be spelt wrongly:-)but he always dictated a darn good business letter and had a vast vocabulary. Like most couples we relied on each other to do the things we weren't too good at and took on the things that the other person found hard.

As for Charles Dickens I always found him hard going but then, knowing I was an avid reader, my father gave me Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island as a 7 year old and couldn't understand why I didn't like it (I was an only child and as much as Dad adored me he was 1 of 5 boys!!)

Fortunately I had a cousin much older than me who, every Christmas, gave me a board game and a classic book that was adapted for children, with lots of beautiful illustrations. Who wrote Heidi?

The board games are all in France. Scoop, Touring England, Old fashioned Monopoly, Cluedo etc. No plastic in sight, all proper metal pieces although the boxes are a little frayed around the edges. Stephen and I had great fun trying to thrash each other, dissolving into fits of laughter, calling it a draw and pouring another glass of vin rouge. The books sadly vanished into the ether. Lent and never returned.

Well that was quite a fun walk down memory lane for me and I am dry eyed so maybe I am taking tiny steps forward.

I hope you are all keeping well.

Much love, and thanks to you all

Gillxxx

[mhnevillParticipant]

Hi Gill

Like everyone else I was very touched by your Post and your courage doing that long drive and finding such a fitting resting place for Stephen's ashes. As Dia says, it will be something to draw you back to your lovely French home. And what a vision you have for it -I can feel it and I'm certain you will have much joy in finishing off your place in your way. I think you will enjoy the challenge in a sad but happy way if that makes any sense.

I'm sure in four or so years time you will wonder where you got the strength and determination to do what you have done! You have already been a rock for Stephen, now that strength is for you and for continuing to establish your new, different life.

Lots of love.

Mavis xxx

[susannahParticipant]

Hi Gill Its so good to hear from you. im pleased the journey went well ( I know you were worried about it) I scattered Michaels ashes last night (it was my birthday) I know how hard it must have been for you. But I don't know about you but I feel more relaxed myself now ive done it.Your house in France sounds beautiful. If you want someone to go with I have lots of free time!
Take Care

Suex

[GillParticipant]

Hey Sue

As long as you don't mind dogs and are willing to take turns driving you're on!!

It is basic and gorgeous Stephen always said if you can get clean, cook and I am sure there was one more. Well I have a great shower cubicle here in Orpington and, believe me, it is getting harder and harder to climb over the huge edge of the bath in France but I manage. The kitchen is very comfortable, the "den" is "don't fall asleep or you will be here all night" and the beds are snuggle down. You're welcome any time
Love from Gill xx

PS the rest is huge but needs a great deal if TLC

[GillParticipant]

Just remembered the last one Sleep in a comfy clean bed:-)

[susannahParticipant]

Hi Gill it sounds wonderful . but I don't think Im brave enough yet,part of me is saying go for it,but its a big step

Suex

[TinaParticipant]

Hi, Gill & Susannah,

Great to hear you are both "coping" and moving on slowly. Most of Pat's ashes were interned at a beautiful forest burial ground but I have kept a small box at home – in fact in the kitchen – to keep me company. Gill, your French property sounds wonderful must be so difficult for you to be there without Stephen.

Best wishes to you both

Tina XX

ps Gill when you feel up to it why not join Susannah and Jackie Phippard for a Facebook chat on our group " a new life". It would be great to meet up one day.

Regards

Tina XX

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