[GillParticipant]

I do understand the reason but find it really hard when neighbours etc. talk to me. They think that I am a normal "got over it" person, and I don't feel like one. "Hi Gill, cold isn't it" "those b***dy dustman are late again the foxes have had my rubbish"

Even the kids phone up and talk without any reference to Stephen.

I KNOW THIS IS NORMAL but I am finding it so hard

I understand that they have no conception of the fact that I still cry every day, cannot believe that he has gone and wake up sometimes and for a split second forget that he is not here.

To those of you that have been through this when does this stage pass?

I know that I have to find my own "normality" but as my kids always said Stephen and I were "joined at the hip" My weaknesses were his strength and vice versa

He has been dead for 2 months now and I still feel as though part of my body has been ripped away.

Any advice out there? Gill xx

[eveParticipant]

Hi Gill
No it is not suppose to be ok,far from it,its learning to cope with the fact that people,do not know what to say to you,and by saying nothing,in vase they upset you,they do not realise this hurts more.
As you know my daughter lost her child Matty,and she has got to the stage she puts people in colours RED AMBER and GREEN
Green are people who are normal with her
Amber are people who she is angry with,because there is no acknowledgement at all that he died or lived
Red is the people she would gladly slap across the face,for the stupid remarks and hurt they cause.
My take on it all,is walk a mile in her shoes no fun.
She did post this on her facebook to try to make people understand.

If you know someone who has lost a son,and you are afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad,by reminding them that they have died.

They did not forget they died,you,re not reminding them.What you,re reminding them of is that you remember that they lived,and that,s a great, great gift.

I offer no advice,except what Min said once you have to make your world bigger.Love Eve

[MinParticipant]

Dear Gill,
I know how you feel, modern day society has no place for death. We all know we are going to die but no one wants to discuss it. Its the last social taboo.
I went out to lunch on Saturday with four lovely ladies from my group. I had only met one of them before but we talked non stop about our husbands, there death , our reactions to there death. And how we are now coping. There Were a few tears but no one minds and we all understand. The web site is the same with chat about how we are coping and what works for us with advise and exchange of ideas.
I don't know how I would be without it but we welcome everyone with open arms to a group which is closed to all except bereaved.
You will find a group of people who you can pour your heart out to,that will understand so readily what you are going through as we are all at different stages of grief.
Widows will be the only people who will understand how to respond and react to you. I was equally ignorant before Peter died how to react to a bereaved wife or husband. I was embarrassed to cry and forced to pretend I was OK, when I was screaming inside and hurting from the Oscar winning performance I was producing to make others believe I was OK so they would not feel uncomfortable.
Its difficult but I had to tell people to to discuss Peter openly rather than pretend he had never existed, as that was what hurt most. If I mentioned him they would steer the conversation away….. not knowing how much I wanted to talk about him.
You need to find the courage to explain this, in your new life,as this is how it is, its a new life a new world and its terrifying at the moment but you will adjust slowly and know I understand.
Min x

[mhnevillParticipant]

Dear Gill

I'm sorry that you have people around who obviously have no idea what it is like to lose someone so close. Two months is no time at all for healing even to begin to happen. YOU be kind to yourself, and don't expect too much from yourself, even if other people are insensitive.

Do keep in touch here.

Lots of love.

Mavis xxx

[zasrsParticipant]

Dear Gill

I can only agree with Mavis Min and Eve. Friends and in many cases family have no idea what we are going through, I think some of them think 15 months on I should be over it whatever it is. I first met Gordon when I was 16 he died when I was 58 how on earth does anyone think those years can be passed over. Gill the ache does improve but as far as I can tell not a lot else. 2 months ago my daughter sat on my bed at midnight and sobbed and sobbed, I am sure your children are putting on a 'face' for you they too I am sure are missing their father so much. We do talk about Gordon a lot and even my 3 year granddaughter still mentions him usually when we have a full moon as Gordon is there eating cake!

Look after yourself gill do what you want not what other people want, I to have been in touch with the group min mentioned, it is wonderful to be able to talk and hear about other peoples experiences.

I so long for a strong pair of arms round me.

With love sarah

[tomParticipant]

Hey Gill

I am same as the others here.

I have read no where anywhere that tells people to be back to normal after X many months/years and I assume everyone differs in the time before they feel ready to move forwards BUT not forget the loved one who has passed away.

I would hate it to happen to me if I lost my Young Bride and Fmaily and friends Ignored her Name were frightend to mention her Name in case it upset me.

Its no good looking at others Gill in how long as am sure we all differ in that.

Loads of Big Hugs (((()))) to you and a prayer sent to you and Stephen.

Lots of Love Tom xxxx

[PerkymiteParticipant]

I know where you are all coming from, when I lost my Son, aged 19, in a car accident I just felt the world should stop spinning but it did not it just carried on. All that has been said by everybody here is so true. It took me 18 months to be able speak my late Sons name – Robert. That was 26 years ago now and I still put flowers on his grave and have a chat. The day I die and am buried next to him is the day I will stop mourning him.

Kindest regards – vasbyte

David

[TinaParticipant]

Dear Gill,

The way I coped and still cope 18months after Patrick died is to keep busy. I have taken up windsurfing, taken a Diploma with the Photographic Institute and basically fill as much of each day as I can. I find strangers and new friends can talk to me about my loss easier than family and old friends. I came home from a week's holiday yesterday and really thought Patrick was going to be home when I turned the key in the door. Lot's of tears last night it is still really hard to think only of the good times. Gill after only two months I would not expect you to feel any different than you do now as Sarah says the ache does improve but not a lot else.
Like you Patrick and I were two peas in a pod – we did everything together and now everything that we built together is a constant reminder that he is no longer with me.
A big hug from me
Tina

[GillParticipant]

Thank you all for your kind messages and thoughts.

I am learning to start getting into my own routine and not "our routine". I walk the dogs, clean the house (lazily :-)and shop daily so I have human contact I even go out for lunch once a week. I am trying to find out about part time courses one to brush up my French and one to make my stick people look more like humans and yet sometimes it just wells up.

I sit down to watch something and keep looking to the sitting room door as I will have to fill him in about the bit he has missed. This morning I woke up and did what I have done for years (before Stephen was even ill) I think what day it is what I have got to do and did I get anything for dinner. I'd bought some chicken yesterday and fried some of that for dinner, there is still some left. I don't know if maybe I had started drifting but I suddenly thought "Why didn't Stephen have a dinner last night?" I just laid in bed sobbing until the dogs let me know they needed to go out.

Thanks again to all of you and keep well

much love from Gil xx

[MinParticipant]

Dear Gill,
I am now at 14months and felt I was doing well, I was at a party with about 50 widows on Friday night and on Saturday attended a memorial service for all patients who died it Critical Care Unit,.
I sobbed and sniffed thru the entire service which was beautiful and along with others in my pew blew our noses during the loud hymns!
Went out to a dinner and disco that night with red eyes but enjoyed myself, then came home the following day to an empty house and had another cry.
Ups and downs are a part of my life now and never know when these moments are going to hit me. My dogs keep me grounded too.
Love Min

[tomParticipant]

aww Gill

Am sending you HUGS lots of them((((((()))))))).

I bet its hard to cope but am sure you know you have to, I cant tell you it will get better as i haven't been through it, but I show/read out these posts to Elaine (i think am getting her ready sad in it? )

Much Love and many thoughts from one teary eyed Tom xxx

Love Tom xxx

[DaiCroParticipant]

[quote][i]I know that I have to find my own "normality" but as my kids always said Stephen and I were "joined at the hip" My weaknesses were his strength and vice versa.

He has been dead for 2 months now and I still feel as though part of my body has been ripped away.[/i][/quote]

Hi Gill,

I can empathise with the idea of being 'joined at the hip'.. as you were with Stephen, I am with Janet. Strengths and weaknesses, Yin and Yang… or in our case (if you can recall the TV programme 'Ever Decreasing Circles'), Howard & Hilda. My step-daughters, Kes and Kirstin, kept that nickname going a little too long for my liking… mainly because they were right.:-D

I cannot imagine how it would feel to know that 'part of my body had been ripped away'. And thinking about it I feel sad… deeply and devastatingly sad… because I won't have to deal with that feeling… but my Yang will.

Simplifying it down to the most basic denominator, there was Gill, Gill the Wife and Mother, Gill the Wife and Companion, Gill the Carer, Gill the Widow, Gill. I don't know anywhere near enough of your personal history to write anything more than the titles until we reach 'Gill the Carer' but like all of us, with our titles that defined certain stages or parts of our lives, we adopted and adapted the titles and the roles and behaviours that went along with each stage. So logic tells me that you will go through a stage called 'Gill the Widow', before moving on to 'Gill'… a new Gill with a future unknown but yours to make what you will of it. 😐

But I don't think it really works that way. 😐

You are the sum of your parts… and all those years with Stephen, the love of your life, your conjoined partner and lover, your yang, your head to his tails… that cannot and should not be put into a box and left behind… there cannot and should not be 'closure' on his love and his part in your life… I am certain that when you are ready to start 'moving on', that you will find a way to take him with you.8-)

I have told Janet that if, when I am gone and time enough has passed not to shock the neighbours, she should meet someone else… someone that she feels is 'special' enough to want to form a relationship, even a partnership, that she should do so without hesitation and with my complete blessing. She said 'Thank you, I'll bear that in mind'. Then she looked at me and said 'If it was the other way around, that you found someone 'special' enough to want to form a relationship, even a partnership… I'd come back and bloody well haunt you.':-P

Yin & Yang.;-)

Thinking of you and Stephen fondly and often.:-)

Dai.

[JetParticipant]

Gill

My heart goes out to you. Grief is so painful. My neighbour's husband died in March this year and we both look out for each other and ask how it's going – grief and managing alone versus cancer and its treatment – fortunately we both feel able to say how it is, good days and bad days. She has experienced the same as you though, with people avoiding the subject of death and grief, I think because they can't deal, or don't want to deal with the pain they will experience when you express yours.

One friend who went off radar with me soon after I told her about my diagnosis came up to me the other day in town and apologised. She said that her partner of 25 years had left her and that she couldn't face my vulnerability on top of her own.

The other thing is that often people are scared to broach the subject, because they think it might upset you, not understanding that the upset is there whether you express it or not and not realising that you actually WANT to talk about how you feel and about Stephen. So it may be that you need to take the lead, maybe you need to express your feelings as a way to allow them to talk about it and to talk about Stephen. You may be happily surprised by the outcome.

And as everyone else has said, it will take time and crying is good. I wish you well.
Jet

[dawstepParticipant]

hello gill
its been along time since ive been here.i feel for you & your family.my name is stephen to.my dawn passed away 29/01/12.i must have cried every day for six months,i still have my moments now.people said to me it will get easier.those words dont help you at the time.all i wanted to do was go to sleep & never wake up.theres not aday goes by when i dont think of her.im bottling up now.she was my baby.i was very angry with life,to be honest i still am.all i can tell you is how it is for me.we are all deal with things in different ways.i dont cry every day.i will be watching something on tv or listening to the radio & suddenly i will burst into tears.i still feel lost & empty without my dawn.people are allways asking me how am i.i just say im plodding on,thats how i feel.i still take one day at a time.you do the same.i will be thinking of you.
best wishes
stephen h

[jmsmythParticipant]

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