My father

This topic contains 21 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Gill 10 years, 8 months ago.

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  • #106101

    zasrs
    Participant

    Hi all
    not really sure where i should post this, but 5 weeks to the day, i had a telephone conversation with a dr about my father, almost exactly the same as the one i had with dr and gordon, difference is my father is 86 not suffering from myeloma but i think has been so knocked by gordon's death that he has given up, and the drs can do no more, so on syringe driver, it is too sureal, will i ever wake up from this nightmare!
    Gordon,s father has been in hospital for 8 weeks same hospital as gordon along the same corridor, i cannot, nor can my children go and see him,he is being discharged next week. I know that gordon's parents have lost a son and i try to be sympathetic but my last phone call from my mother in law was to raged at me about the treatment my father in law is not getting in hospital, he is 90 in october. i do think i have enough to be going on with without being shouted at! with love to all sarah xx

    #106102

    brocho
    Participant

    Dear Sarah it really doesnt seem fair for you to go through so much I think I understand what you mean when you say your father gave up on hearing of Gordon passing ,when I was first diagnosed and very ill my lovely strong mum changed into a frail old lady instantly Its like she wont put any energy into caring for herself instead she frets over me If there is one thing I hate myeloma for its that , robbing that lovely lady of a more dignified old age Your dad has you to be with him As for your in-laws no wonder you cant visit I am sure I wouldnt Grief can make some people very selfish and unfeeling You and your children have each other ,draw strength from that and dont feel any guilt about your in-lawsThey should take a leaf out of your book Sarah ,despite everything you are going through you are so caring and supportive to others and no way should they be shouting at you Stay strong Sarah lots of love Bridget x ps sorry if this a bit garbled just taken oramorph x

    #106103

    Gill
    Participant

    I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time and all on top of losing Gordon.

    I have no cure for your shouting M I L, well one or two but nothing legal:-) Shouting back would probably not help. You could try keeping a crossword by the phone and just make sympathetic clucky noises down the phone whilst filling out the crossword.

    I have done this myself in the past with clients at work and it certainly keeps one calm and sane.

    Have you thought about talking to a bereavement councelor. They are trained to encourage you to rage about everything that has happened and help you to allow yourself to grieve.

    I had a colleague that did this sort of work as a volunteer, and she really was not the type of person that was dour and miserable just a very nice and most times smiley person that cared about others.

    Do talk to someone if you can. Family are wonderful but they are all dealing with their own grief as well as trying to support you and each other.

    Much love Gillxxx

    #106104

    jmsmyth
    Participant

    Sarah

    I am so sorry that you have this extra burden on top of loosing your lovely Gordon. People as you know grieve in many ways. When my mum died I was so angry at everyone and every thing. I could not understand why these people were walking around and my mum wasn't. I am not making excuses for your MIL but maybe she is shouting for help as well. I have been to counsellor when mum died – I honestly cannot explain the anger that I felt about every one I could not understand how every one was going on with life when I felt so devasted. I also went when Frank was diagnosed. Once again- anger. So as Gill says maybe talking to someone would be a great help to you. The crossword is also a good idea. Take care of yourself, you definitely have enough to be going with and I hope that you get the peace ofind that you deserve.

    My love and hugs to you. You are strong, you will get through this.
    Love Jea x

    #106105

    eve
    Participant

    Hi Sarah

    It doesn,t just rain it pours as the saying goes,and its raining on you,put that brolly up and protect yourself,you don,t want to catch anything,!!!!

    Ask yourself why your MIL is phoning you and not Gordon,s siblings the reason being she feels she can relate to you,and because she see,s you as a strong person who is coping so well.:-(

    Make some space for yourself Sarah try not to get angry with her,how about eg: O dear,or Yes i understand,you can get away with it on the phone.
    Come away and feel you have done your good deed for the day,Gordon would want that, words said in haste:-) are often regretted after.Love Eve

    #106106

    zasrs
    Participant

    hi friends

    thank you for your postings i will take on board all you have said thank thank you.

    my neighbour took me to gordon ramseys resturant in chelsea today and insisted it was her and her husbands treat, what a treat!! It was wonderful, what a lovley friend i have.

    my father has not changed according to my sister, but his sweet lady driend was knocked over by the wind yesterday and is now in intensive care with a fractured skull! I feel as though i am in some sort of black comedy.i need a really good loud row with someone when i mentioned this to my son, he said he wanted one as well at least we did not have one with each other!! so watch this space the skies over sussex could become very bkack and noisy!!

    with love sarah

    #106107

    eve
    Participant

    Hi Sarah
    If you live in a detached house go into a room and scream as hard as you can,it does work!!! then some deep breaths,and tell yourself you are not going insane!!!
    With all your troubles life is going to go on,things will get better.Eve

    #106108

    Min
    Participant

    Sarah
    Im so sorry to hear your going through all this when you could well do without it.
    I hope you cope with these problems, in doing so it may take you mind temporarily off the tragedy you have just had.
    In other circumstances you would have no doubt dealt with the issues very profesionaly, but Your patients is being sorely tied at the moment
    Love
    MIn

    #106109

    Gill
    Participant

    Dear Sarah

    Maybe you and your son should take up "debating chairs" 2 people sit opposite each other and take a completely opposing stance on a subject.

    Never personal, deeply religious or deeply political but usualy loud. It could be anything I am just glancing around now and know that my daughter and I could vociferously debate what's better PC or laptop, the merits of allowing dogs to do this or that or if her younger brother was realy allowed to get away with more than her (too personal but she'd try it on!). Our family have always done this (if more than 2 of us you have to have the talking spoon to speak to avoid overshouting each other).

    It may sound flipant but it is a way where both of you can shout and row but not [u]with[/u] each other.

    I hope you don't think I am being crass or jokey I don't mean to be either.

    Love from Gill xxxx

    #106110

    mhnevill
    Participant

    Dear Sarah

    I am so sorry that things are piling up in such an aweful way for you while your grief for Gordon is so raw.

    You are strong and you will get through. What a good job you and your son can support one another.

    Just had a strange experience – twice when I tried to post with a couple of other comments it said "your message contains inapproprioate material", but I'm sure it will be Ok to say take care.

    All love

    Mavis x

    #106111

    zasrs
    Participant

    Hi All
    My father died this morning, not unexpected, just wish I could feel something.
    with love sarah xx

    #106112

    Min
    Participant

    Im So sorry Sarah,
    I imagine you must be numb with all that is being thrown at you at the moment.
    Im sure you are shock but unable to feel it due to the shock of losing Gordon.
    Think its time to slow down and take a deep breath. Relax and just sob. life is so bludy unfair.
    Dont we know it.
    Private message me if you want to talk I can listen if you need to let off steam.
    All my love
    Min

    #106113

    mhnevill
    Participant

    Dear Sarah

    I am so sorry to hear of your father's death so soon after Gordon's. I can see that you must be completely numb. The secret to getting through the next difficult couple of weeks will be to take each day at a time and try not to think too far into the future.

    Will be praying for you.

    Much love.

    Mavis x

    #106114

    eve
    Participant

    Hi Sarah
    So sorry about your father,but i am glad in all this misery you are going through,that you have rediscovered your sister,when the head of the family dies,some families just disintegrate others unite,I do hope you and your sister are the latter.
    When my mother died to me it seemed like ending a book,gone forever,my mum was the kingpin,and with all my family being380 miles away,and no communication between us!!.thought that,s it,end of book.
    But it wasn,t it was start of another chapter,from never being close to my sister ,I am now and i know they would be there for me at a drop of a hat:-)
    They still do not know what to say to there baby sister about this b-l-o-o-d-y cancer,but i do know if I said I need you,they would be on the next train.
    So i hope that you and your sister,will be able to take something good from all the bad things that are going on in your life.Love Eve

    #106115

    lorrainey
    Participant

    Dear Sarah,

    I'm so sorry to hear of your fathers' passing. My sincere condolonces to you and your family.

    Love and ((((HUGS)))

    Lorraine xxx

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