[MinParticipant]

You are all so very kind and in my present loneliness it very comforting to know your all out there.
I have been to my Dr's several times in the past few weeks for a variety of reasons but mostly because when Peter was alive he insisted I make an appointment with my favourite lady Dr; as he saw how tired I was becoming.
The appointment was made before he died and perchance I saw her about my newly acquired depression too.
Of all things I have iron deficiency anaemia.!!! how ironic is that.
I have tried a variety of anti depresants to allow me to sleep non have worked to date even the evil drink(withut pills) doesnt help. The current ones make me feel like throwing up ( I get to experience a small fraction of what you poor people on chemo feel)
I have no wish to eat but force it down to prevent further illness. Simply cannot get myself interested in doing anything so I am running away for a week to my daughters for some TLC and granchild normality.
Daisy asked me on Skype the other day if I knew Granddad Magic was dead, then went on to tell me he had been stroking her hair while she brushed it!!!!!
The lovely people at motablity have allowed me to keep his car for several weeks'. after it goes back I hope to join my son in Dubai for some sun.
Hopefully by that time I may feel 'better' or normal or whatever.
I have no knowledge of what it feels like to have mm but Peter always said to me I can cope with the mm I cant cope with the pain .
The pain of grief is indescribable painful and debilitating. Panic attacks are a daily norm as are tears and screaming at the moon.
Occasionally I feel normal then I see something on the TV that he loved to watch and its all so tangible how alone I am.
Thank God for my dogs but no one else to walk them now but me so no rest for the wicked.
I would hope that someone will appeal to MM to open a grief topic as nothing and no one can understand it and as no one talks much about it on here it is the missing part of the otherwise excellent formula.
Death is a subject not often talked about on here as its too depressing but it will happen to us all.
We need to understand what the older generation did and not hide it away and pretend it does not happen.
Here I am at 60yrs old married for 40yrs and never truly inderstood as no one told me how to deal with it or cope.
It has become a much bigger learning curve than coping with being the carer to an mm sufferer.
Filling in forms forever while not being able to read for the tears is dreadful
Well rant over time for another scream at the fact i have to iron a pile of curtains. Never had curtain up in my home for 15years but suddenly feel the need to have them as a security blanket.
I am very grateful to all of you and sorry if my subject matter is upsetting but we must not shy away from the unspeakable people die everyday of many things including hopefully simple old age…. Peter was only 58yrs old and poor S+d will never see a penny of the dss penson or know that the mortgage was finaly paid just as after he died.
How very sad to have worked since the age of 15 and never reap the rewards of old age.
I will look in from time to time if only to see if MM uk has decided to use grief as a subject heading.
When I feel better I might be able to respond to you all too.
Thanks again for your kind thoughts
Min

[MariParticipant]

DearMin,

I was just reading through some posts and thinking how much I missed reading your posts and hoping you would still come back. I feel totally inadequate when it comes to saying anything that might bring any kind of comfort to you. I am so sorry you are feeling so unhappy, I cannot begin to imagine your grief, but as someone with a very beloved husband with mm I can tell you it is something in our future that terrifies me. I agree with you that we all hide from the topic of death and grieving and there really is a need for some way of dealing with it here. I have seen the same need in some of Roz's posts. I also completely understand your sense of anger at the whole unfairness of Peter being taken so young and losing out on so much of his life that he should have enjoyed. I am glad that you have had the anaemia diagnosed, hopefully it is the first step towards treating it. One can feel so miserable when suffering from anaemia and that is only going to add to your grieving at the moment. I do hope you can find some comfort from spending some time with your family and, to fall back on the old platitude, I hope that time really will bring you some healing. I know you are held in such high regard and deep affection by all of us on this site, please stay with us if you feel you can, and if it can bring you any comfort,
Much love,
Mari xx

[brochoParticipant]

Hi Min I dont know how I managed to miss this post till now It makes my heart ache to hear you describe your pain and not be able to give you any comfort You and Peter were robbed of the time when you could reap the benefits of years of hard work and raising a family and it just doesnt seem fair. I agree we dont acknowledge the effects of death on those left behind , we have become a society where institutions take over rather than familiesMy mother talks of people being brought home before the funeral so that everyone could openly grieve and I am sure this must have helped As you say death is a certainty for us all , with or without mm. I hope you can get your anaemia sorted soon so that physically you will feel stronger . I imagine you are already at your daughters and I am sure the company of your granchildren will help a lot , small children arent frightened of speaking about someone who has gone are they, my son said he could smell grandads pipe for months after my dad died Hang in there Min we are here when you need us and I think of you often lots of love Bridget x

[GillParticipant]

Dearest Min,

I am so pleased to hear from you.

Like Bridget I do not know how your post got missed, but I suspect it wandered into the ether for a while before it turned up here.

I (as one very selfish human being) desperately want you to continue posting, but that has to be your choice and whatever your choice you know we would all respect it.

There is so much space for you on here. It is great that we all try to be upbeat but we all have to face reality mm is incurable and it shortens peoples lives.

You are right grief should be a subject on here and I cannot think of a better, experienced and more articulate person than you to start it. Maybe it will be something you could do at some stage in the future.

Please do keep in touch much love from Gill xxx

[zasrsParticipant]

Dear Min
I have also missed your post, cyber space!! Everything you say I agree with so much, Gordon and I at last had time and extra finance to start to enjoy our free time together, to say I am so bitter to know we never will, is an understatment. My cousin proudly told me yesterday that she had 'beaten' me as she had celebrated her ruby wedding, I scattered Gordons ashes on our 36th wedding anniversary, she reduced me tears where do the tears come from do they never dry up!!?
Sorry to moan lovley cyber friends.

Keep well

Sarah xx

[brochoParticipant]

Dear Sarah I just wanted to say here is where you can moan , weep or rant against the unfairness of having Gordon taken from you too soon so please never apologise we are all here for you in any way we can be to help. I could not believe anyone could be so insensitive as your cousin !! I bet you felt like punching her right on the nose I know I would have done! Stay strong as you always have been Sarah lots of love Bridget xx

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