Okay, I'll be your Huckleberry.:-D
One of my all time favourites.
Dai.
The Mother Superior was waiting at the nearest railway station for her newest novice to arrive from London. The convent car was an ancient Ford with a large rounded bonnet but it looked good and worked fine and she had thoroughly enjoyed the twelve mile scenic drive down from the Derbyshire hills.
At last the train pulled in and only one passenger alighted. The slim, pretty faced novice was dressed in her white robes but the Mother Superior had to suppress a smile at the sight of the largest personal crucifix she had ever seen dangling the length and breadth of the Novice's torso. It was made of mahogany with a large silver relief of Jesus being roughly twice the size of a Barbie doll.
They made their introductions and climbed into the car. It was dusk and by the time they reached the wooded foothills, five miles from the convent it was pitch black, with the ancient headlights giving minimum relief, so the Mother Superior slowed down to a steady twenty miles an an hour.
The novice, a fishmonger's daughter, had a strong East-end accent but she had answered the Mother Superiors last question about favourite hymns by singing her three favourites in a soft but beautiful contralto voice. The Mother Superior felt blessed.
Suddenly something landed very hard on top of the bonnet… at first the Mother Superior thought she had hit a deer but then she realised that in fact it was a man… a man like no other.
He wore a large dark cloak that he had wrapped up around his face. He pulled away the cloak to reveal a pair of blood red eyes and then he opened his mouth wide to reveal large pointed teeth with overgrown incisors and a large blood-red tongue.
At first the Mother Superior had jumped on the brakes… but her survival instincts kicked in and she revved up the old engine and the car shot forward up the hill until she reached fifty miles an hour… hurtling dangerously around corners with little help from the headlights, trying furiously to shake the Vampire off… to no avail. He stuck like a limpet and spread his cloak to block her view of the road.
Then the Mother Superior was inspired. She turned to the Novice, who was grimacing at the Vampire but showing no sign of fear.
'Show him your cross' she shouted at the Novice. 'Show him your Cross!' The Novice nodded in reply, pulled up her sleeves, wound down her window fully, leant right out of the window until her face was no more than two feet away from the Vampires face and screamed:
'Hey you, Vlad The Impaler… Get off the f….ing Bonnet!'
