This topic contains 28 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by 
tom 12 years, 4 months ago.
Hi all
The tree + decorations are sort of up, so difficult, I never expected to be in in this dark place this time last year, thank goodness for grandchildren and little white pills, the memories and flash backs are not good.
with love sarah xx
I totally agree, its hard to think positive although you have to do for the sake of the children
Gina xx
Hi,
I know exactly where you are. I cried while I put up the tree and looked to the cards for a long time, not wanting to sign just my name:-(
My grandchildren are a long way away and they will never see my tree! so dont know why I bothered. I just wanted to prove to myself that i could do it.
But I feel right now I am going backwards not forwards. There is no good time but Its a dreadful time of year to be a widow, so full of memories and like you Sarah, flashback and re living of his last days. I cant decide if Im reliving them to be able to verify the facts or what.
Its so difficult, we had over 40years together and I am lost without him.
Love Min
Hi Min
I have taken the decision that i am not doing christmas cards this year i hate just my name all alone, so i am not doing it! Writing lables with just granny is bad enough.
I do so feel for you Min i am so lucky in having my family here all the time in and out daily, when i am alone, it is terrible and does not get better. I do wonder what life is all about at times, not a good time of year for us. I do hope you have plans for christmas and you are able to see your family.
As for the flashbacks i keep blaming myself for not fighting more not getting angry, but inmany ways gordon had had enough, just being told both hips were crooked myeloma in one arthritis in the other thiscaused him to cry, which did not happen very often
with love sarah xx
Hi All
Well I cant say I know how you all feel, cos i dont and will I ever know how you all feel??? well am afraid and pleased to say No am sure i wont with me being the MM Person am not set up for going first but Elaine(the young bride) and I are Looking along those lines.
The Only Advice I can give is Please Please dont feel sorry to have lost you Partner or your Parent but try and feel happy for the time you spent with them (i know its easy for me 🙁 )
There is no good time to lose anyone let alone near Xmas and the first Xmas without your loved one is going to be very hard mu thoughts and Love are sent even harder and faster to you all at this time.
Love and loads of hugs to you all (((())))
Tom xxxxx
Ps i hope this reads Ok for you all as I have read it before posting and aint sure xxx
Well done you for putting up trimmings:-)
Mine are still in the loft. I'm on my own so I'm not bothering, not seeing no-one so may stay in bed for Christmas.
Counsellor has told me I'm going to feel as raw as this for a very long time. She's told me that I don't realise what I did for Michael and how I did it alone without support. Any way enough of me moaning hope you all have a better time than I will
Love you all
Roz xx
I want to send special greetings to all of you who have lost loved ones to the dreaded MM this year. It will be very sad, especially on Christmas day, but I am sure i won't be the only one sending up a prayer for all my cyber friends in this sad situatiion.
May you find that strength that you previously generously and lovingly spent on your partners/loved ones, and be able to sense that they have left some of their courage with you.
Lots of love and all blessings.
Mavis xxxxx
Ball in a Jar
One day I saw a notice for a talk on helping people through bereavement by Barbara Monroe, the Chief Executive of St Christopher's Hospice in London. When I arrived, what I saw resembled a physics lesson. On the table before her was a very large glass jar. Beside were three balls: one large, one medium-sized, one small. Without a word, she began to stuff the large ball into the jar. With a great deal of effort, she wedged it in.
'There!' she said. 'That's how grieving feels at first. If grief is the ball and the jar is your world, you can see how the grief fills everything. There is no air to breathe, no space to move around. Every thought, every action reminds you of your loss.' Then she pulled the large ball out of the jar and put in the medium-sized ball. She held it up again, tipping it so the ball rolled around a bit. 'Maybe you think that's how it will feel after a time – say, after the first year. Grieving will no longer fill every bit of space in your life.' Then she rolled the ball out and plopped in the small ball.
'Now, say, by the second or third year, that's how grieving is supposed to feel. Like the ball, it has shrunk. So now you can think of grief as taking up a very small part of your world – it could almost be ignored if you wish to ignore it.' For a moment, considering my own crammed jar, I thought of leaving. 'That's what everyone thinks grieving is like,' the voice continued. 'And it's all rubbish.' I settled back into my seat. Two other glass jars were produced from under the table: one larger, one very large.
'Now,' she said, imperiously. 'Regard.' Silently, she took the largest ball and squeezed it slowly into the least of the three jars. It would barely fit. Then she pulled the ball out and placed it in the next larger jar. There was room for it to roll around. Finally, she took it out and dropped it into the largest glass jar. 'There,' she said, in triumph. 'That's what grieving is really like. If your grieving is the ball, like the ball here it doesn't get any bigger or any smaller. It is always the same. But the jar is bigger. If your world is this glass jar, your task is to make your world bigger.'
'You see,' she continued, 'no-one wants their grief to shrink. It is all they have left of the person who died. But if your world gets larger, then you can keep your grief as it is, but work around it.' Then she turned to us. 'Older people coping with grief often try to keep their world the same. It is a mistake. If I have one thing to say to all of you it is this: make your world larger. Then there will be room in it for your grieving, but your grieving will not take up all the room. This way you can find space to make a new life for yourselves.
I found this and thought it was very good and worth sharing
Min
I think that person explained it so well,some one once told me never refuse an invite or opportunity,keep opening the doors in front of you,your past will always follow you through the door.
I have a friend who,s husband is planning his funeral,I have known him for 30 years,he knows he has not got a lot of time,and I have found out,so much in one day about him,than thirty years of knowing him.I found this amazing what we show to the world and what we feel.
Eve
What a fantastic way explaing grief, I feel like that large ball in the jar all the time, it diminished for an hour when i watched on the bbc about the scrap heap orchestra,at the end they played the 1812 overture with bangs and smoke and loads of noise, it was wonderful, when it finished i realised that for a long time grief was not first in my thoughts, one day maybe this will happen more often. I have been offered councilling maybe because i went and asked for some more little white pills! After reading your post Min I think I need to look at some outside help.
sarah xx
Hi Min and Sarah the woman who described grieving so well must be an amazing person to be able to put it so well Although I havent lost a partner through death about six years ago Jeff had a mid-life crisis and left for a floozy with false everything and a sports car I can honestly say my heart broke and I was grieving for my life as it had been In my darker moments I believe this actually triggered the onset of myeloma But it is nothing like the loss you are going through I just wish there was some way I could help Sarah the scrapheap orchestra was amazing , the programme had me hooked and I was even conducting the 1812 !! Are you watching The Killing? It is as good as the first one , I am totally hooked on subtitles now too I often think of Gaye when I watch it as she was one of the subtitle gang too Lots of love Bridget x
Thanks Min
This is kinda where we all are, bet the lady has been through it herself. I got invited to dinner next week with my disability group called http://www.activeindependence.org I've said no because at the moment I'm crying at the slightest thing. But I've told them I'll be back because I need something in my life. Apparently I'm only just starting to grieve having done everything for Michael,I'v left myself empty because I've no-one else to look after or give to, but myself; and I don't know how to give to myself. Thats why its taken me so long to break.
Thanks Min
Love Roz
xxx
Hi Eve,
Its true I don't want to but I never refuse an invitation. I know all too well how I could turn inwards and never speak to another soul but feeling sorry for myself is not going to move me forward.
I know I am in pain?. both mentally and physically but feeling sorry for myself will not make it better. Although I think I am allowed, the little pills are having some dreadful side effects so tried to give them up but realize I need to ask to try some others for a while, at least till my 1st christmas without my soulmate is over.
Love MIn
Dear Roz
I would urge you to take that invite up, and dont put it off for another day , it just gets harder, dont worry if you end up in tears, it is absolutely allowed.
Furthermore its a wonderful escape valve, I cry and laugh and scream and shout and cry some more and then tell Peter off for getting me in this state.
Who else can I blame? The Doctors the hospital The Main Man up there?
Or just fate and the luck of the draw . Its the cuddle to tell me its fine to be like this I miss and there was only one person who could make it all right and he is not here. So i pat the dog then cuddle another one and frequently feel better by the time the 3rd has licked my face.
Min
Wow now that was great what a wonderful way to describe the pain of bereavement and bereavement its self. thank you for the sharing Min.
Hi Roz and you are in the best place to offer your help and that is with the disability group you belong to, it helps both sides the group as am sure they need all sorts of help and your good self to give in that giving and helping way that you can 😀 its worth a shot keep me posted 🙂 Love and Hugs (())) xxx
Tom xxx
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