[strictlymyelomaParticipant]

Hi,I'm having a really bad day and can't find it in me to even get out of bed. I cannot see any point in doing anything without Norman by my side. I am so lost without him.
My daughters find it upsetting as not only are they grieving but they think they are not important to me because I am so down.
The diazepan from the doctor isn't even helping today.
Does anyone have any survival techniques I could try?
Jackie x

[DaiCroParticipant]

Hi Jackie,

There are quite a few people who still visit this board regularly who I am sure will be able to offer advice based on their experience of grief and loss… but it is the weekend and they may not be around for a day or two.

In the meantime all I can offer is sympathy (rather than the empathy that you need).

I can understand your daughter's dilemma… believing that they are not important, or not important enough, to you for you to help them with their grieving. They are wrong of course but that doesn't make it any easier for you or them. Perhaps you should sit down with them and explain that you understand how bad they must feel but that you are just the same and your grief and your loss, of your husband and your best friend, has left you temporarily numbed and unable to respond to anything or anyone… that you know that this feeling will pass in time but in the meantime you will all have to help each other, by being there, willing to talk, willing to share. From what I gather from our widowed friends one of the most important things is to talk about their loved ones, about their personalities, vagaries, good and bad and to keep their memory fresh and alive in a positive, healthy way.

You are bound to get days like these… perhaps especially at weekends when you would be together and going out and about or just chilling after a week at work. Why not ask your daughters to share a video and a bottle or two of wine (dependent on their age of course – substitute wine for chocolate, lots of it)… it may seem a forced activity at first but I am sure that it will bring you all together, whatever emotions it releases.

I am sorry that I cannot be more helpful at this time but grief and loss are not mine yet… I will be the one to go and Janet will be left to pick up the pieces of her life… but we do talk about it often, especially now as I reach the end of treatment options.

I wish you all the best and I hope someone comes along soon to give you more relevant advice.:-)

Dai.

[strictlymyelomaParticipant]

Thank you Dai for your lovely reply. I will try to follow your very good advice.
I am very sorry to hear that you are near the end of your treatment options but it is brilliant that you have such important conversations with your wife. Norman just wouldn't talk about his illness. I think with hindsight he was in denial and also very scared.
Best Wishes,
Jackie

[tomParticipant]

Hi Jackie

I am so sorry you are finding it difficult to cope at this time my heart goes out to you.

I am fortunate to have never been in this place that you find yourself in so I cant say "I know how it feels" as I cant.
I am doing good but that said Like Dai I talk about it not only to my wife but my Sons also that way their will be no thinking Did Dad want or did Dad say?? its all been said (well I think it has)
The survival Tip I would say use is Only think of the good times Pre MM and shove the bad MM times out of the window.

Stay Strong and draw your Daughters in Closer to you as am sure you all need that great big Hug.

Sending you all HUGS for you all to use whit that Bottle and chocks.

Love Tom xxx

[annedwardParticipant]

It is 1 month now since my Eddie died and I am worse now than ever. I cry all day when I am alone. My youngest daughter is 35yrs and says she is mising her dad so much. I cant help her because i cant help myself. I cant immagine this ever getting any better. I am going on a coach trip to Scotland at the weekend with Christine my best friend. I am worried when I come home that Eddie not here will make it worse. On sat I woke up with the stomache ache and I cried because Eddie wasnt here to get my hot water bottle. Now I am sobbing again. If anyone is in the same position as me and wants to e mail me please do annwaistell56@tiscali.co.uk

[tomParticipant]

Dear Ann

Am sure its hard for you, and I am sorry you are finding it difficult, rather than being on your own can you not go and visit Family and or Friends, and get them to visit you, I know you might not be up to it but one lovely Lady (Min) said on here that its better to expand your world rather than allow it to close into you.
Am sending you Hugs to try and help you through this difficult time.
Stay Strong and just try and think of the Good Times Pre MM.

Love and Hugs Tom xxx

[mhnevillParticipant]

Dear Jackie

I'm affraid i don't have any survival techniques for you, but just wanted you to know you are not on your own out there. Do be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself. The grief of daughters and wives is by the nature of things different. Trouble is, daughters still think you are their Mum, the one who should make things right, and in this case you can't – much as you'd love to.

these days just have to be lkived thorugh, but as Tom says, cling to those memories of good times, even if they bring a tear.

Do hope your break with your friend helps. Perhaps you can help the "going home again" by leaving some treats ready, maybe some special chocolates, or bath smellies. Although these are no way a substitute for all you will be missing, they will allow you to pamper yourself a little, which would be what Norman would have done.

Sending prayers and lots of love.

Mavis x

[MinParticipant]

Just be kind to yourself. If you want a duvet day have one or two. I had weeks
Of duvet days in those early days getting up to feed the dogs and walk them then
Going back to bed to feel sorry for myself as there was little else I felt able
To do.
It's exhausting grieving.
Everyone will tell you it gets better. In fact you adjust to the pain and
Empty ness.
Don't be hard on yourself. Have a pamper day at a spa with your daughters.
Laugh a little at all those funny times u can recall before Mm..
Go for a manicure or hair do let someone be nice to you.
It helps.
I'm on holiday right now but can't wait to return to my sanctuary of home
The dull daily routine I wanted to get away from!

[VickycParticipant]

Hi Jackie, I don't think you can fill that hole, and don't try to. I lost my dad last October, he'd had mm for 5 years. I still cry every day, the reason I cry is for my mum, I loved my dad dearly, but the loss for her is heart breaking. We talk everyday about him, the things that made us laugh, the fact he could be so miserable. All the things we loved so much about him. I once asked how do people get through this? I was told, "you have no choice, no matter how you deal with it". This for us as a family was true, so we muddle through each day. I try and see my mum as much as possible, and she has started going out, to a widows group, bingo, anything that gets her interacting. The last 5 years were spent not going out for fear of picking up a cold or something that could have devastating consequences for my dad's immune system. Some days my mum actually rings me to tell me she didn't cry that day. It will take time, maybe try to talk to your girls about how your feeling and how they are coping. Remember this is the price we pay for loving and being loved. Vicky x

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