[eveParticipant]

Hi David
Yes euphemism is another word for die if I am correct(don,t quote me),never went to school in my misspent youth.:-P and never been hot on grammar in Liverpool.LOL
It,s just the scouse sense of humour.Eve

[mhnevillParticipant]

Hi David,

I know i have been a long time answering this post. First off, I am sorry to hear about your neice. We have just had a similar experieince with one of our younger friends who just upped and died. No ryme or reason to it.

But as a Priest I have been thinking about what Eve said about funerals. I am sorry and apologise on behalf of those who have had bad experieinces. Most ministers really put a lot of work, and emotional energy into taking funerals – it is emotionally draining to give someone a good send off. About the money – Church of England Priest don't get to keep the fees – it goes into the general pot that pays their wages so they can be available. The fee covers the initial visit, taking the funeral, and, if appropriate/wanted a follow up visit or phone call. Lots of unpaid priests, like me, and Readers, don't take the fees, and again they go into the general pot.

I do think it is a good thng to plan your own funeral. I am planning mine, although i hope it isn't for a long time!!! Mustn't Jimmy Saville have had fun planning his!

Lots of love David and Eve.

Mavis

I agree with Eve though, a good humanist service can be very meaningful, but I believe they charge too!

[eveParticipant]

Hi Mavis
Thank you for your reply,must admit did not realise were the money went concerning,the burial fee.
I hope your not offended with any of my comments,it is just a general observation,I seem to be hitting funerals a lot lately,at an age were you go to more funerals than weddings:-S
I do envy people who have a faith,as it must be a great comfort for them and there loved ones,so yes I can see the point to a service were the local parish priest has knowledge of the person who has died.My own mothers funeral was conducted by a priest who was bought in last moment,although he did not know my mother,and it was an excellent service,very much on why we are here on this earth.

I too feel it is a good thing to plan and know what sought of service,you would like,it is a subject no one wants to talk about,I never realised until recently that you can have any form of a service at a cremation,I assumed because its like a church building,it had to be a church like service.
Never too old to learn new things. love Eve

[brochoParticipant]

Hi Eve I agree planning your funeral is a good idea and makes it much more meaningful My mum has had hers planned and paid for for over 20 years now ! Age Concern ran a scheme where people over a certain age (cant remember what the age limit was) could pay a fixed price in installments, they also sent lots of helpful literature regarding planning So mum is very happy with her bargain but more importantly she feels empowered Mind you I havent done anything about mine yet ! love Bridget x

[PerkymiteParticipant]

We cremated Marilyn on Friday. I took a major part in coordinating the Funeral, the family were simply to distraught.

Marilyn was not a church going Christian, however, she did have some belief however small and as the local vicar said, ?99% Christians do not now go to church but that does not mean they are not entitled to a Christian burial?. However the service did not have hymns, which few people sing anyway, and instead we listened to three pieces of music that were favourites of Marilyn?s or a message from her husband. There was some prayers and, an appropriate Reading and of course the prayers at commendation/committal. Those who attended had the opening prayer and the Lord?s Prayer to say only, which were written in the Order of service. I wrote the story of Marilyn?s life in the Order of Service and three eulogies were given by her Sister, her best Friend and her husband. These Eulogies were very powerful and had most in the Chapel alternatly switching between laughter and tears, how her husband got through it is in itself a miracle but he did his wife proud. All in all it was a lovely send off and it will be the format I will use for my funeral.

I must say that not at any stage did I get the impression we were being ripped off. The Vicar spent around 3 hours in total; initial contact, discussing the Order of Service with me ? which I produced and the service. And I was happy to pay £150 for his services. It is not the basics that run away with the money it is the additions, everybody wants to do right by Uncle Billy syndrome I call it, such as Cars. The Hearst itself costs £200 every extra car cost £125 and it can quickly become the most expensive journey you will ever make. We drew the line at direct blood relatives only and this reduced three cars to one. For my own funeral, when ever that is, I am having my coffin pre placed in the Chapel therefore no Hearst and no cars (save £325). Flowers are another area to look at, we did no Flowers and donations to Macmillan Cancer Care.

As a matter of interest a basic coffin cost £400. I am making my own Coffin from left over fencing material, 1?x4?x8? planks from my Son in Law, and my children and grandchildren are going to decorate it. This has now become the talk of the family and friends. Before I decided to do it we had an ?Elephant in the room? which nobody mentioned, now we all have a good laugh about me falling out of the bottom of my home made coffin. It is the best decision I have ever made.

Kindest regards ? Vasbyte

David

[MinParticipant]

Hi David
Im pleased the service went well. That final goodbye is such a whirlwind I cannot remember much of Peters funeral but I do have a full copy of the humanist service we had.
In my case I chose a humanist who purely by co-incidence happened to be an ex chief Inspector in my police force.
He spent almost 4 hours with us asking a million questions almost like an interogation prior to a statement but in the nicest possible way and with a great deal of sympathy and fun and involvement of our children.
I told him that Peter was a very private man with a love of his RAF and the service was all bout Peter, his life before me with me with the children and in the RAF.
Everyone who attended than learnt something of the private man they never really knew. I had told him that Peter always bought me flowers when we had an argument or tiff and at the end of the service he took a flower from my wreath and gave it to me to be dried and preserved.
He e mailed the service he was going to read out in order that I could correct any errors and it was an amazing event with very few tears as it celebrated his life and achievements.
The company who did the funeral went above and beyond to get us a bugler to play the last post, and a Union Flag for the coffin.
I was sent a questionnaire by both the humanist society and the funeral company to see what I thought of both of them.
I also have the opportunity to buy my own funeral at todays prices, In the region of £3000 and arrange it. (company is called DIGNITY) and are more or less nationwide with localy named company?s
I do think arrangeing your own funeral is a good option but I particularly did not want a ?Drive By? funeral where the hearse pulls up at the house for Peter and I went for the tranditional and old fashioned and to some quite shocking !! of having my husband home in his coffin the day before the funeral.
We all drank and had silent last words with him and even the grandchildren were ok with it. In future they will think it is ?normal? to lie at home before a funeral.
Funerals are very touchy subjects to most but its about respect and saying our last goodbyes in whatever way suits you.
Love MIn

[PerkymiteParticipant]

Min, that sounds realy great. I loved the touch with the flower.

At one time of course it was perfectly normal to lay the body out on the dinning room table, but things have moved on and now it is a Chapel of Rest at the FDs. Progress, I do not know. To each his own.

kindest regards – vasbyte

David

[brochoParticipant]

Hi Min Peters service sounds lovely a true celebration of his life . I think its such a shame we dont have our loved ones at home before a funeral it is so much more personal Its no wonder we find death and grieving so hard when everything is taken out of our hands and out of sight You mentioned the grandchildren were ok with seeing Peter too , I am not surprised as it is so much better for them to understand than imagining all sorts of things about dying Well now I really must put pen to paper and make my own arrangements love Bridget x

[MinParticipant]

Hi Bridget,
A very dear friend and colleague of mine was dying of breast cancer and secondary brain tumour and she told me a few months before she died that she worried about how her husband was going to cope with organising her funeral.
I suggested that she should take the worry away by arranging it herself and she thought it was such a good idea, and couldn't imagine why she had not thought of it before.
Her funeral was on the day Peter had his stem cell transplant and I got there too late to get into the church but the crowd outside was enormous.
Using this as a way of making it easier on our loved ones at a time of great sadness when the last thing you want to do is arrange what you think your loved one would want.
ON a lighter note if big if I could make my own coffin I would but I will make do with a cardboard one as I wont have much use for it HEE HEE.
Peter had been teaching me before he died to use an electric drill, and yesterday I succeeded in putting an automatic door closer on the lounge door as the darn dogs keep leaving it open. i was soo pleased with myself, now I have to get up to let them get out DOH!
Love MIn

[eveParticipant]

Hi Everyone
I like the thought of bringing loved ones home,as a child I remember my nan in the parlour,it seemed very natural as a child.

A year September Slims mum died,we had taken a funeral plan out in case we were in nz,as he is an only child we wanted all the arrangements done in case we were away costing £3000.
She was in care and a few days before she died,I phoned her GP as to me she was ill,he came out,said to staff she was fine.She died on Thursday evening,there has to be an autopsy which was taking place on the Monday.
In the mean time on Friday I contacted the surgery plus Co-Operative funerals ,who said do not worry we will collect the body!!!!.WE had made arrangements to help my daughter,so went ahead with the plans,expecting the body to be picked up and cared fore.
The autopsy confirmed death,when we arrived home and rang the undertakers was told they new nothing about it,she had been left in Margate hospital,the doctor rang us on the Monday to tell us how well she was,it was unbelievable.when we went over the fine detail,we found the actual cost was only £2300,and as we had a months grace we could have cancelled and rebooked a cheaper funeral.
It took getting in touch with the head office to sought it out,the lady no longer works there,and later talking to friends,more horror stories came out,
So it is worth asking round about a good undertaker,costing as the last thing you need is a doctor thinking the patient is still alive although being informed she had died,and an undertaker loosing a body for 7 days.Then having a cheek to charge you,for jobs she should have done,I was just glad we were not in nz otherwise I dread to think how long her body would have been in the morgue.
It just might explain why I have a few doubts!!!! love Eve

[jmsmythParticipant]

Hi all

Most funerals that I attended, the loved one has always been at home. The clergy and mourners are at the home (and outside). The service is done there. My mum was at home for 3 days. Only thing I didn't like was that for months after the funeral my dads house smelled of wreaths – chrysanthemum – I hate them now. Won't have them around me.
Don't know if I would be brave enough to arrange my own funeral but admire those who can.

Love Jean. cx

[brochoParticipant]

Hi Min what a lovely generous lady your friend was to think of sparing her husband , no wonder the church was packed. Min you should be proud of yourself for using power tools I am definitely a wimp when it comes to jobs like that! Much to Jeffs despair I am more likely to use a hammer! I am with you on the cardboard coffin though , cant really see the point of fancy woods and handles , mum and I used to joke about her being buried at the bottom of the garden in a cardboard coffin, I will remind her tomorrow that should make her laugh Now wheres my hammer???? love Bridget x

[brochoParticipant]

Hi Eve how awful for you both to have the added trauma after your mother-in-laws death.No wonder you have doubts Luckily mum arranged her funeral through Age Concern and was able to check it all out before signing up She always says its the best bargain of her life and sometimes amuses herself working out the cost of funerals now as opposed to 20 years ago which is what she paid !Strange I know! love Bridget x

[eveParticipant]

Hi Bridget
It did not seem a trauma at the time,more unbelievable,Slim was ready to let the whole thing go,but looking back he was already in a great deal of pain because he was wrongly diagnosed.
As I was not married to Slim at the time there was only so much I could do,his mum was a very difficult woman,she seemed to upset anybody in here path,but I felt the whole thing was awful,even her solicitor tried to rip her off,I managed to get him to sign the will over to my solicitor,but her solicitor still charged us £100 plus VAT for a signature ,it made a difference of charges for a small estate of over £500 pounds,as mine let me do all the ground work and filling in of forms saving on his time and cost.

Any way just getting off to hospital for bloods,Slim has not been to well these last couple of days,will just have to see how things go .Love Eve

[zasrsParticipant]

Hi All

Just wrote a huge post and the whole lot dissapeared! Cant do it again! I am glad all went well David all funeral are very personal, I want to go under the tree in the back field, a very special tree.
Eve I do hope slim is feeling better.
love Sarah

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