[zasrsParticipant]

Hi All

Did not realise that as time went on grief gets worse, silly me, thought it would get easier, many flashbacks, at this rate i might have to take up the offer of councilling at the hospice.Maybe another family funeral is not helping. Gordons farher died last saturday, his funeral is on thursday thank goodness gordons brothres have arranged everything.

Min I do hope you are enjoying all the lovley warm sun. We have lost our new handsome young ram he might have been rustled we have checked all the ditches infomed local farmers etc, whilst looking again for him today came across quite a few white feathers, enough for all of us who have lost soul mates.

Sarah xx

Roz hang in there

[TinaParticipant]

Dear Sarah,

I would agree with you about grief getting worse. With me I think it is the realisation that Patrick is gone forever, he is not coming back. In the beginning it was so very hard to believe and that I was living a nightmare but hoping I would wake up and he would be there to comfort me.
I think you are right though – another death in the family does not make things easier for you. I too have just lost my sister in laws sister who died after just seven days of being diagnosed with pneumonia at 51yrs old.
After 5 months I have made a small step accepting but like you have flashbacks and I do cry everyday especially during the hour long car journey to work. I just keep remembering how Pat would have hated me to be unhappy and I do not want to let him down.
I adored my husband and never believed all those who say time heals but with the one small step I have made I have hope that maybe one day I will
be coping better than I do now.
It is not too late to have councilling- maybe it will help.
So sorry to hear about your young ram

Tina X

[GillParticipant]

Dear Sarah and Tina too

There is nothing I can say to comfort you but I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Perhaps councilling would be of some small help, after all you can let all your emotions out to a real person who is not a family member or friend and will not be hurt or upset no matter what you say

Much love from Gill xxx

[RozParticipant]

Thanks Sarah,Sorry you feel it badly too

I agree with everything you say about it getting worse! So if I was you I think counselling is a good idea. At one time I thought I was coming to terms with things and joined the disability group again. But I found I wasn't taking things in, flashbacks happened and my sleeping never improved.I thought I was being brave instead I was hurting myself more. So please don't get as bad as I am, if it's offered take it.

Sorry about your young Ram too..

Love and all the best
Roz xx

Haven't found any white feathers though.

[MinParticipant]

Dear Sarah,
I'm sorry to hear of how you feel as it makes me worry now, as I am in lots of company and doing something different. Every day and I am sure when I get home this is going to change especially with the build up to Xmas.
We went on an all day shopping spree thru the markets and souks today. I kept seeing things I knew peter would have loved and had to keep reminding myself he wasn't at home to get them.
Going home and being alone is going to take some getting used to again, as I was just settling down to being on my own.
I can't say at this stage how I will be so will hold my tongue in case I wish I had bitten it off. We are all different and our experiences are different too as indeed is the stage we are at so I cannot say how I will be I just know how I was and that was a very dark and black place. Similar in fact to how I coped with his diagnosis ….very badly.
I have been as angry at his passing as I was at his getting ill
There are many degrees of grief and I am not looking forward to the rest but the pills are a very great help as I was afraid to go to bed afraid of the dark and afraid to open the front door.
Talking to lots of people especially my daughter in detail has been a help and writing down my feelings and shouting at Peter are still the norm. I talk to him also without shouting and wait for the reply which doesn't come of course but it makes me feel less alone.
Love Min

[GillParticipant]

Dear Min

I cannot even begin to know how you feel. You have found that talking has helped a little. Maybe some bereavement councilling when you come home would enable you to move forward in some small way.

I am sure you know that you will get support on this site but it is not the same as having a sit down and a rant about how you feel.

I think that shouting at Peter and feeling angry with him is a very normal reaction. We feel angry because the person we love left. Then we feel guilty because we know that they did not actually choose to go.

It is almost as though what your heart is feeling does not tie up with what you know in your head.

I hope you stay in touch with us but I am sure we will all understand if you want to walk away from mm

Much love and good wishes from Gill xxx

[zasrsParticipant]

Dear Min

I guess all life and grief is so different to each indervidual person, no relationships is the same, I have no anger towards Gordon leaving me maybe that is yet to come, I just feel so cheated, we at last had some time and financial secutity to enjoy time together and with our beloved grandchildren and it will never happen now. I do feel intense sadness when I see so many happy couples, why me? but then why not me/us?
My family and I have organise a lunch party in a couple of weeks time in our old Sussex Barn, we have had so much help from friends we wanted to say thanks with my farther and now father in law dying we need something fun to look forward to and help us move on, to soon? Who knows.

Your shopping in the souk sounds wonderful hope you found lots of bargins, many years ago I went to the casbar in Tangier, the smell and sights were wonderful.

No sign of our beatiful ram, i am sure he has been rustled.

Take care of yourself Min and Roz and Tina. Take care Gill and Slim and Bridget.

Sarah xx

[GillParticipant]

Hi Sarah

I do hope that your lunch party is a great success. Too soon? If you and your family feel up to it then surely not.

Take care and stay in touch

Love from Gill xx

[RozParticipant]

Hi Min,Sarah

Don't think about what will happen when you come home just enjoy yourself while you can!

Everyone deals with grief differently, I've seen this so just take it in your stride and if things happen and you need help ask for it, don't be a Marta like me. I've learnt the hard way.

Your holiday sounds fantastic. Michael and I were going to New York for Christmas we often spoke about it, so all I do is dream about what could have been.

Sarah if your up to your dinner party have it, you may find you enjoy it. A few weeks ago I took my friends and family for a meal to say thank you for everything. It eas fantastic and I felt great until I came home to an empty house in the dark.
All the best to you both
Love Roz xx

[GeorginaParticipant]

Hi Sarah and all

I think you are right that it gets harder, but let's hope then it will get easier. I think when it first happens, you cope ok because it isn't really real. You just expect the person you love to walk through the door. Then the longer it goes on, becomes the horrible realisation that they are never coming home and you are never going to see them again.

I like many of you feel so cheated. My mum was 68 and should have been enjoying her life and spending time with her grandchildren. For the first time in her life, she didn't really have any serious money worries. I saw my mum about 5 times a week and spoke to her every day. She was always there and it is so hard coping without her. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad and she would want me to get on with my life, but it is hard. I pass the place she is buried every day as it is very close to my home, and even though I don't believe in god or life after death, I find myself talking to her and telling her what I and everyone else has been up to which I some how find comforting.

I am truly grateful that she was around to see my 2 girls being born (they are 1 and 3) but I am currently pregnant with my 3rd which is due in April (I found out I was pregnant 4 days after she died) and can't quite believe she won't be here. I feel so cheated and angry that she won't be here to see my kids grow up.

I have so many wonderful things in my life, for which I am truly grateful for but it doesn't take the pain away. Let's just hope it will get easier.

I have followed so many of your stories over the past 2 years and my heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone or who is fighting this horrible illness.

Keep strong
Georgina x

[RozParticipant]

Hi Georgina,
Your right when you say we don't believe it, it took be ages to realise Michael was never coming home again. Even longer than most because he spent the last 4 months of his life in hospital.
I can understand how you feel being angry because your mum was taken away before your kids grew up, but I bet she's there watching you encouraging you to walk by her grave daily.
I don't know how my daughter feels because she has took her dads death out on me. Because he has died she won't come to see me.
Anyway I'm glad your mum was part of your life which was good. Even though I'm going through a bad time right now Iknow Michael is telling me to get on and in his way watching me, so you Georgina just remember your good times, tell her you love her and miss her and promise her you will get on with your life like you know she wants.
I'm good at giving advice but trying to carry on alone I find hard but I hope I can tell Michael I'm going to carry on one day.
Hope this message makes sense.

Love Roz xx

[GeorginaParticipant]

Thanks Roz x

[jmsmythParticipant]

Dear Georgina and All

I have been following your posts and am so sorry to read of the distress that you are all feeling. Everyone finds their own way to deal with the passing of their loved one. My darling mum died at the age of 60. Although it was expected it still came as a terrible shock. I too Georgina was with my mum every day and we did everything together. When she died, I have never felt anger like it. I was angry at mum, angry with God ? I use to yell and scream at both of them ? how dare my mum go and leave me. I could not go into town shopping as I would get so upset seeing daughters with their mum. One day in Tescos I bought her potted herrings and didn?t realise until I got to the check out what I had done. I was loosing it ? then my aunt told me to write a letter to my mum ? telling her everything ? how I was angry with her, telling her about the kids, memories, what we were all up to and about her new grand son (he was 6 weeks when she died)? the letter lasted a complete exercise book!! It helped me greatly. Twenty years later I still read ?my letter?. I agree the pain does not get easier but as the cliché says ?you learn to live and accept it?

I am so sorry for going on but your posts brought back so many memories. I don?t know how to finish the post but I wish you all well, love and peace of mind.

Love Jean xx

[MinParticipant]

Jean, you hit the nail on the head.
I suffered with PTSD and the councelling I got from a variety of people was not as good as the advice I got to write it all down. In doing so it is very cathartic purging of the emotions. So as soon as I get home I'm off to buy an exercise book and do it. Wish I had remembered that as I could have made good use of my time doing nothing. Flight at rediculous o clock tommorow. UGH
By for now
Min

[jmsmythParticipant]

Have a great journey Min.

Jean x

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