So very sorry to hear of Slims passing. He fought a massive battle for so long,with you
By his side.
Thinking of you and your family at this sad time.
Dear Dai was a strength and comfort as well as a man with enormous knowledge that he was willing to share with his own unique eloquence.
He was able to comfort and support new and old members with wit and wisdom and will be sadly missed by all who encountered him.
My thoughts now are with his wife and children.
God Bless Dai and sleep well my friend
Min
Well done Gill,
I know it must have taken incredible courage to undertake the journey. Its a shame you had so many mishaps, but your on a learning curve and overcame all of the problems you were presented with so well done you.
You can have an e badge of courage from me as well as a cyber hug
Hope you can look back now and laugh at it all.
You've come a long way in a relatively short time on this journey through widowhood.
Nothing you encounter now will be as dreadful as the loss of Stephen, so you know you will be able to do anything you set your mind to.
On an entirely different note I had to re hang the kitchen door and plane it before putting new hinges on it. Boy was I pleased with myself and if your half as chuffed at your travel achievement I know just how you feel.
Bless You
Minx
Hi Roz
Pleased to hear you doing OK
Its not easy being on your own and can't imagine how much more difficult it must be with your disabilities
Its two years for me now, seems like yesterday sometimes and others it seams to have flown by.
I was out today for coffee with a group of about 10 widows and off on a weekend with about a hundred others next week.
Take care Roz
Min
Dear Mari,
Please know you are in my thoughts and how sorry I am to heat of your loss.
Stephen is no longer suffering and you can be thank full that he passed away pain free..
The coming weeks and months will be yet another steep learning curve.
I do hope you have family to help you through this time.
The maze of paperwork is the most difficult, and having someone to help you will be a big weight off your shoulders.
Remember the happy times which cannot be taken away, though they may feel a long distance away.
They are a comfort when you get over the shock.
Love
Min x
Good news is a welcome tonic is she on the vodka medication too ?
Seriously I'm very pleased for you both no one deserves it more
Min x
Just be kind to yourself. If you want a duvet day have one or two. I had weeks
Of duvet days in those early days getting up to feed the dogs and walk them then
Going back to bed to feel sorry for myself as there was little else I felt able
To do.
It's exhausting grieving.
Everyone will tell you it gets better. In fact you adjust to the pain and
Empty ness.
Don't be hard on yourself. Have a pamper day at a spa with your daughters.
Laugh a little at all those funny times u can recall before Mm..
Go for a manicure or hair do let someone be nice to you.
It helps.
I'm on holiday right now but can't wait to return to my sanctuary of home
The dull daily routine I wanted to get away from!
I Empathise entirely with you Sue.
When I found myself alone, I was terrified to go upstairs, my home was like Blackpool illuminations!
My poor dogs who needed to be let out last thing at night never got let out as I was terrified to open the back door.
Someone rang the door bell one night and sat shaking like a gibbering wreck.
Being alone shakes your confidence but I have most of it back now.
The undertaker brought me Peter s ashes after a month or so I was perterbed so I did not have a choice and the box sat on his chair for months being moved whenever someone arrived in case they thought I was mental. Then I put him on the fireplace next to the TV.
But his final resting place is in the plinth of a a memorial bird bath in the garden. Im almost tempted to bring him indoors when it's freezing but realistically he is in my heart with my memories where he will stay for all time.
It's a lonely life but I meet other widows from a group I joined and will be going on holiday with them again in June where we actually have a laugh and a cry, but feel comfortable in our company knowing we dont expect too much of one another but we care and 'get it' like others cant, who are not alone.
When a period of time has passed and you're feeling stronger I suggest you join us. We are mostly online as a support group just like this forum. But more importantly we meet up all over the country for coffee, meals or walks in the countryside. Sometimes going to the theatre or even gigs for those more adventurous and younger.
Its very early days and just as you found being a wife and mother difficult all those years ago being a widow is equally difficult.
Its a massive period of adjustment, but you will get there. Remember the worst thing that could ever happen has now passed nothing in future can be as bad as losing your life partner.
Love Min x
Dear Ann
I found shopping one of the hardest things to do after Peter died.
I kept seing things I liked or knew he liked and wanted to buy them for him.
It took a while for me to stop looking at the kind of things that upset me.
But groceries are another taboo. I still cant stop myself buying for two!
Dont think I will ever get used to many of the adjustments, simple things like locking the back door at night. Or waking up to discover I forgot to do it…. even worse.
I see my reflection in the door to the garage and scare the hell out of myself… Ive lived here for 16yrs and seen that reflection millions of times, but now its a source of fear.
But a source of joy is when I dream of him and last night I dreamt he took me to Paris by train. Most bizzare but allowed me to wake up feeling I had been with him.
Take Care and be gentle on yourself. Crying is allowed and so is screaming. I still do lots of both!
min
On the contrary Eve, I don't believe in a god that causes so much suffering to so many.
But I do believe there is something, after death.
I like to believe my husband is around me often as I can smell him. My son and daughter in law told me they could smell him in there brand new car yesterday.
How can that be?
The elephant in the room after death is the worst kind.
That is when people refuse to discuss or divert the conversation, in such a way to make it seam as if your partner for years never existed or mention of them is like a dirty word.
That is more painfully than not touching base about our own mortality.
We all know we are going to die at sometime of something. Myeloma patients have a tiny head start in the guessing game, but nothing is certain. Except taxes. You can be certain your gonna have to pay them,
Even when you die they still claim the taxes you owe.
Min
PS having been in discussion with the tax man for the past 6 months about one small underpayment which they refunded then waited a year to demand back I am CERTAIN they ain't gonna get it from me! Till I die
Dear sue,
Hope your weekend goes as well as you hope,
If you feel the need get in touch.
May I suggest when you come to scatter his ashes you keep a small portion to sew into one of his handkerchiefs.
You can put it under your pillow, or carry it in your hand bag knowing he is always with you.
I have made several little pouches for me and my children. When I told them what I planned to do I was comforted to know they wanted one too.
Each of them happy to have Dad near them. I have embroidered his name and details on them and he has been on holiday to Mauritius and on business in Germany Milan and Switzerland!, later this month he is going to Egypt with me.
May sound a little too spooky to you right now, but give it some thought.
My daughter has squeezed him tight when talking to ceo's of blue chip companies.
I know Peter would be thrilled to be part of her success.
Don't worry about all the tears they are healthy and healing.
You will adjust in time to a position where you can control them, most of the time, but even now 18months later they still return when least expected. But they are my badge of love so I am never ashamed to cry.
Luv
Min
Dear Sue,
Im so sorry you find yourself alone. Im pleased Michaels send off went perfectly.
In the coming weeks the reality will hit you, and a slow dawning of the fact that he is not on another stay in hospital will sink in.
Whilst one part of you is relieved that his suffering is at an end, the other part will realise that your job is done.
No longer being a carer, every waking moment used to being spent waiting and watching, caring worrying and yes working.
You can now rest and recuperate yourself, have a break if its possible some time soon.
But in the meantime make some time to get pampered. It will give you a reason to get out of bed, and it makes you feel good being looked after for a while.
Losing your husband after a long marriage is like losing half of yourself and it takes a lot of adjusting to, being on your own.
I hope your new journey is comfortable and not too harrowing.
Take your time to adjust to your new life, don't expect too much of yourself, because if you thought you were tired from caring; grieving is so much harder.
It is exhausting, and unbearably lonely. Hang on tight to your friends and go out as often as you feel able.
I wish you well
Min x
Dear Susanah,
I wish you and your family strength to bear the coming days and weeks.
Know that you have helped Michael feel at peace and when he is ready and not a moment sooner he will go in the knowledge that he was loved dearly, and wait in that special place for the day you will be together again.
You will always carry your fondest memories in your heart, and there he will be for all time.
Courage my dear, and all my love
Min
Might I suggest that the fraud squad be informed of this particular spam as I'm sure someone will be using them . If they already know of them they should be closing it down
Min
Dear Susannah,
I'm so so sorry you find yourself in this position. The feeling of being alone and not knowing what to do next or for the best is bewildering. Especially when you are undergoing so much stress.
I don't know what to say to help or make you feel better. But please look up The Liverpool care plan.
I believe you and your husband are entitled to be taken into consideration with regards to this plan and perhaps you should invoke or request it or at least talk to a McMillan representative about it.
It is nationwide and has been adopted by all health authorities.
At the very least get a few days respite at a hospice.
Most care homes these days have a hospice type set up within them. You may find that there is one very near to you, much nearer than you imagine. Somewhere you are both familiar with as a care home but unaware that they offer hospice facilities.
A friend and neighbour told me that a care home 5 minutes walk away had been offering this service for some time as the government did not want bed blocked in hospitals by people who deserved more care and dignity than hospitals provide
You may be reluctant to consider a hospice per sae as they are few and far between. But. A few days to re charge your batteries or simply have some one else to listen in the night while you rest can be very beneficial.
Please don't think you need to wait until Monday you need help now, but need to ask for it.
Be brave my dear, and know I am thinking of you.
Love
Min x