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annedward 11 years, 1 month ago.
I do realise that this may not be for everyone that has lost a loved one, but I thought I would tell you of my experience.
We have a local Hospice Care facility (just 10 minutes away from me). They do not take inpatients but run day clubs, coffee bars, quiet lounges, a library, cafeteria etc.
They have a small medical team led by by highly trained nurses and can deal with minor treatment, and palliative care. The Harris is part of St Christopher's Hospice in South London where Stephen died.
When Stephen died one of the nurses asked me if I would like to be contacted by the Harris. I agreed and saw a counsellor at the end of November (2 months after Stephen's death).
I drove there, parked the car and entered a bright, airy, small, reception area: and completely lost it! I could not speak for sobbing. One of the receptionists led me to a very secluded part of the quiet lounge and asked if I had come to see Melanie. I managed to nod.
I was taken by Melanie to a smaller private room and was given the chance to explain that in some ways it has got worse, not better. I didn't have to hide my feelings. I could explain that I don't feel I can talk to anybody about Stephen The loss the grief. Oh yes I can mention him in passing "that's why Stephen put a more secure gate on the drive when he changed the front garden. It stops the dogs going walk about" "I see the foxes have been at the rubbish again"
In talking to Melanie I was allowed to still be heartbroken, angry and have a sense of unfairness that Stephen has been taken from me.
They say that things get worse before they get better. I was not able to face going back to see Melanie the following week. After our meeting I thought so long and hard about all the things I had been "allowed" to talk about that I gave me permission for grief to take me over for a few days.I ranted, raved, sobbed, frightened our 2 little dogs with all the upset, cuddled them too hard poor souls.
There was no way I could meet with anybody, let alone drive to the Harris!!
I will go back next week, I think it will be my last session. Having somebody face me and say "no it's not OK and won't be for a long time" has helped a little. Everyone else thinks I have, or should have moved on
I can phone for a further meeting anytime I want. They accept that there is no time limit on grief
As I said it may not be for everyone but it has helped me just a bit, and right now I will take whatever help I can.
Love and Good Health to you all Gillx
Hi Gill
And for that I am gratfull, yes am gratfull you mad it to the First talok at the Harris, and you are correct Stephen passing has not and am sure will not force you to move on as we all do things at OUR pace and not to fit in with this that or them.
I hope you go back and talk its better to talk to some one you dont know rather than Family and Friends.
Lots of Love and (Cyber) Hugs (((((HUGS))))) sent your way.
Love Tom xxxxx
Hi Gill,
I had my bereavement counselling with cruse 8 months after Peter died. They have a situation in which they do not like to see anyone until 6 months are up.
The 6 month time seams to be THE most raw and painful time when it all hits home that this is real.
I cried throughout the entire series of 6 sessions but at the end felt better for having spoken to someone of my innermost thoughts regarding my birth into widowhood.
Today it is all particularly raw as Peter would have been 60 and the sadness that he never reached the milestone is painful.
Christmas and all the associated happy times is equally painful and raw. (more tears)now on my second one without him, but the 1st one was pretty much a blur whilst I was in shock, so this one is hurting more. Wish I could hide till it was over.
Love MIn
Dear Min and Gill
I still go for counseling. Because it took over a yr for any help I had it really bad.
I've learnt to let my tears out and I've stopped blaming myself. My grand-daughter put up my tree, but I just want to throw stones at it. Christmas Eve will never ever be the same again.
Min and Gill please accept my love, my thoughts and comfort the best way you can.
This time of year is hard for us all.
Love to you both
Roz
Dear gill
I too had counselling 6 months after Gordon died I was quite looking forward to talking to someone to try to understand how I was feeling and maybe give me some coping strategies. How stupid of me! I had 3 phones calls approx 30 mins each with someone who sounded as though they should have still been at school! What a waste of money, it was no help we run a farming business from home there is often family coming in and out all the time how on earth was I supposed to rant and rave as I wanted! The conversation was recorded which makes for a delay in answering which also makes for a stilted response! Very weird. No help at all.
Min, Gill and Roz I hope you get through this Christmas period somehow,II really want to put the duvet over and sleep for 48 hours but the grandchildren won't let me!
Love to all on the myeloma site
Sarah
dear Gill Reading your letter, I could have written it myself. Everything you say is how I feel. Robbed of my best friend. My life started when we met and ended when we parted on 23rd feb. My eddie died at home and the marie curie nurse sat with us. She was amazing. I cannot mention Eddies name without crying and am crying as I write this. I cant see this pain ever going away only getting worse. I cant look round the shops without thinking whats the point of buying that Eddie isn't at home to show it to. I feel trapped in a nightmare.
Dear Ann
I found shopping one of the hardest things to do after Peter died.
I kept seing things I liked or knew he liked and wanted to buy them for him.
It took a while for me to stop looking at the kind of things that upset me.
But groceries are another taboo. I still cant stop myself buying for two!
Dont think I will ever get used to many of the adjustments, simple things like locking the back door at night. Or waking up to discover I forgot to do it…. even worse.
I see my reflection in the door to the garage and scare the hell out of myself… Ive lived here for 16yrs and seen that reflection millions of times, but now its a source of fear.
But a source of joy is when I dream of him and last night I dreamt he took me to Paris by train. Most bizzare but allowed me to wake up feeling I had been with him.
Take Care and be gentle on yourself. Crying is allowed and so is screaming. I still do lots of both!
min
Dear Ann
Like you and Eddie Stephen and I were soul mates, best friends, joined at the hip as the kids used to say. Stephen had had to stop work quite a while before he died. He was a carpenter and builder but of course the mm took its toll and he could not do the physical work that it entailed. I retired a year early so I could stay at home with him. I got so used to him being around. We used to go out for lunch once a week and I used to go the hospital with him.
For a while he could walk a little way first on crutches and then a walking stick. Once he was using just the stick he could walk with one dogs, the quiet, steady one. I would take the lunatic monster. Then his mobility got worse and worse and he started to lose his sight
When Stephen first died I used to wake up and for a split second I would forget he had gone. It was like losing him over and over again. Unlike Min I have never dreamed of him I wish I could.
Do you have a local hospice near you? They often run a bereavement councelling service and ours holds a meeting every 3 or 4 weeks called Tea at 2 it is a place to meet others in the same boat as you and there you can talk and cry and laugh. I haven't been yet but I think I will give it a try.
Stephen has been dead 6 months now I still cry but not as much. I remember at one stage feeling so angry with him because he had gone and then feeling so guilty because, after all, it was not his choice.
I have started to make sure I have my own routine now and not the one that we shared. I have even got an application to join a sixties club. It is not just for single people but anyone over 60 They organise coach outings, theatre visits, sports, meals out lots and lots of different things that you can choose to do if you want. I find myself so isolated it would be good to meet other people.
At first I used to do my grocery shopping on line, but now I go myself. Sometimes the person on the checkout is the only person I have spoken to for days.
I still find myself looking at the sitting room door when I sit down in the evening expecting him to walk in. Although I do it less often now.
I still have to empty out his wardrobe. I am not sure if it is my laziness or fear. I did ask somebody to throw away a particular pair of shoes. He rarely wore them preferring trainers but we referred to them as his dog chosen shoes.
We bought our Westies from different breeders nearly 2 years apart and both times he wore these leather loafers. We didn't choose either of the dogs. On both occasions one of the litter dashed over to Stephen and started licking his shoe. They were both bitches, which is what we wanted and they chose us. Lazy beast,Stephen, used to leave them under a small table in our bedroom and I could not bare to see them.
I suppose, for me, that terrible raw pain you feel at first has passed a little. I miss him so much. Just posting this has me crying again so I must go and blow my nose and get on with feeding the dogs and me.
Do post when you can you know that you will always get support on here
Love from Gill xxx
Dear Min and Gill It has helped me to hear your stories. A lot of people do not know what pain a MM victim goes through. Eddie hid his often even from me. I am lucky one of my daughters lives next door to me with her husband and my grandson Daniel. He is 4yrs. One day we couldn't find something and Daniel said text Grandad and ask him where it is. Later he said text Grandad and say we found it. I wish i could. It didn't upset me to hear this. I have my dog Lucy. She was a rescue dog and bites non family members. She is now my protector. Eddie never liked her in the sitting room but she knows he's gone and just wanders in bold as brass. At the moment I don't care about anything. I hate getting up on a morning because the house is so empty. Eddie restored an MGA which is now sitting in the garage. None of us knows how to start it. His garage is full of tools all arranged neatly.He has left so much of himself behind.
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