This topic contains 28 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by 
Tina 12 years, 9 months ago.
It is the middle of the night and I am struggling with my grief. I lost my beloved David a week ago yesterday and I don't know what I am going to do without him. He fought a heroic battle against this vicious disease but in the end was not able to overcome it. He was always so optimistic and positive, always talking about when he was better, never ever complained even though he was in constant pain for the last month. It broke my heart how his poor body was ravaged, so much weight loss and bruising from the endless blood tests and canula inserts. I wonder if it might have been better never to have started the treatments and to have maybe had a few months of quality time, but he wanted to try everything, to fight it. He never gave up and so we never discussed his death and I feel in limbo.
How can I move on? I nursed David at home right until 12 hours before he passed and I am grateful for that because he hated hospital, and I was with him at the end, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to bear. I was with him for 52 years and I have lost my rock, my best friend and my soul mate and I hurt. How can I go on without him?
Hi Chrissie
I am so sorry for your loss,I am also awake in the early hours wondering what the future holds,we never know what to do for the best, you just try to do your best and try to remain positive.
People who have been through the same thing will reply to you,and try to help you get through this awful time,just try to remain positive,and think about what your husband would have wished for you,Eve
Hi Chrissie
Iam so sorry to hear about David its such a shame to lose some one to this Bloody MM.
Please dont beat yourself up over wether you should or should not have started the treatment as you know David was a fighter and wanted to do his best to beat it.
Love and Hugs
Tom xxxx
Hi Chrissie, i am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum on the 30th november 2011 to this awful disease that takes no prisoners. My family was with mum at the end at her home where she wanted to be. I tell myself that i am just pleased that we got mum home where she wanted to be and at the end she went peacefully. mum didnt want to be the way she was anymore froma strong independent woman to a woman that couldnt even walk to the shops and she hated it. I tell myself that she is now out of pain and at peace.
But that doesnt stop me crying for her waking up in the night and even wanting to pick up the telephone to have a chat with her. I miss her so much but i cope by trying to keep busy and think about all the good times.
A friend of mine has just lost her husband to bone cancer she does the same as i do she also is going to get involved with the charitys that helped him.
Nothing will stop you missing him, i hope that you are ok, please take care of yourself and if you need to chat there are plenty of us on here that will be there to chat.
Gina x
Hi Chrissie,
My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry for your loss. I do hope you have family and friends who will give you lots of support. This forum as I have found out will also give you lots of support. Please do not beat yourself up about Davids treatments. He fought this his way with courage and sheer determination. He was a very fortunate man to have been in his own home with the person he loved the most when his life was drawing to a close.I am sure David will live on in your heart and I am sure that this will help you face the future with strength and bravery.
Heartfelt love and best wishes
Lynxxxx
Dear Chrissie
My deepest condolences to you and your family.
I can only imagine what you are feeling but it may help to know that, when Peter died I was so relieved he was no longer in pain, no longer worrying what was going to work and wasnt. I no longer had to watch the handsome well built man I loved wallowing in what the damn disease and the treatments had done to him.
I felt sorry for myself and my own future, I cried buckets. I still do.
But I console myself with the thought that he is always near me, that I will learn to live on my own, and survive in the knowledge that we loved one another. Many people don?t get to experience that.
I know you will be bitter that he suffered so much to try to overcome mm but know that if he had not tried you would always have wondered what if.
Your feeling numb and as if this can not have really happened. Take time to rest if you can, see your GP to get something to help you over the coming weeks and try to look after yourself as best your able.
David is in a better place and would want you to carry on, take your time and if you need to private message me I have finaly learnt how to sleep most nights but I never go to bed early if you need me I am here.
Warmest Regards
Min
Hi Chrissie
So sorry to hear that David finally lost the battle to live. He certainly gave it his best shot.
Of course you feel realy broken up and wondering how you will cope. It is such early days the pain of your loss will be really acute, and it is almost worse when you have been a very close couple. It is good that David was able to come home for some of his last hours, I'm sure that meant a lot to him to know he was surrounded and enfolded by your love.
Do be kind to yourself now. Don't beat yourself up wondering if you should have persuaded him to make different treatment decisions. You will have done what seemed right at the time.
I am glad Min has been generous enough to offer support as she really knows something of what you are going through.
Do hang on to those precious memories. You don't say if the funeral has happened yet. It not, I do hope it is a fitting tribute to David's life. If it has already been, I hope it was.
Much love.
Mavis x
Dear Chrissie I am so sorry David lost the fight against this wretched illness , he fought hard with you by his side Dont have regrets savour the lovely memories you have David will always be with love Bridget x
Dear Chrissie,
I'm so sorry about your loss. My husband Michael died just a year ago xmas eve. He died in the middle of the night too.
What your feeling is unbearable, I know. I keep saying at least he is not in all that pain no more.
You will cry, you will scream, you will not understand what has happened but all I can say is come on here and let your feelings out, or if possible go to counselling. It took me 10 months to get a place but all I can say is it is really worth it. You really have to greive, and that takes a long long time. I bought a book to try and understand all my feelings because nothing felt real any more. It helped but I am still grieving for Michael, it is a long drawn out process, for some people. You will never forget but you will learn to live with your loss. This is where I am at the moment trying to live alone without Michael.
You can email me on rozmick281@btinternet.com and I'll be there for you if you need me.
Please give in to your pain and sorrow because if you don't you will get ill.
All the best, I'm trying to remember our good times so it's no good me saying to you remember your life together because I know it doesn't work like that.
Just give in to your emotions and when you can sob and sob. I did this exmas eve, it took me a year.
Please keep in touch.
Love and best wishes
Roz xxx
Chrissie, so very sorry for your terrible loss. I lost Michael to cancer (brain tumour he was 42) twenty years ago. That terrible grief does pass please do believe me and hang on. The best advice I was given was as follows: Concentrate on just breathing and eventually the rest will follow, and don´t on any account make any serious decisions (especially big financial ones) for at least 18 months/two years if you can avoid it.
Please allow those around you who care to support you whilst you deal with your distress, anger and devastation.
Twenty years on I have been married to a true gentleman who now cares for me with my myeloma diagnosed five years ago in the same way that I cared for my dear Michael when he was so ill.
The people on this site are lovely and I know that like me, they understand entirely if you want to come on here and just talk and know that we are listening and understand.
Love and prayers Carolxxx
Dear Chrissie,
I am so very sorry for your loss and truly I am feeling your pain right now. Davis sounded a very brave man and to be together so long you must have loved each other very much.
My darling husband Patrick lost his battle against MM eight months ago and it feels just like yesterday.
I wish I could give you the answers you seek.How can you move on? I believe each of us who have lost our loved ones will have a different answer to that question. Patrick loved life and never gave up on anything he did and I feel it my duty to not waste my life and move on as best I can. I feel him around me all the time, I talk to him, ask him questions when I am not sure about things, I feel him watching me which has urged me to do the very best I can – he said he wouldn't leave me and he hasn't.
You will most probably remember his last moments over and over and relive the times he was in pain and you couldn't help him and it is [b]unbearable[/b] You will cry and then cry some more. Whenever I am crying I look at Patrick's picture and see him shaking his head telling me to stop. I am sure David would not want to see you suffering so much.
Maybe talking to a bereavement councillor will help? Give it some thought.
Love and best wishes to you
Tina X
Dear chrissie
I am so sorry that your husband has lost his battle with mm as did my husband in August, I wish I could say I know how you feel but I do not remember it is as though my mind shut down, I am not sure it is right now. Please take of yourself see your gp and get some pills. I take them to help me sleep, I would have gone mad without them, but we are all very different. Today has been a very bad day you will find every day varies, but I am told it gets better, so I and I hope you will see that one day.
With very best wishes
Sarah
Hi sarah,
I have had a whole day of weeping today and I blame the news. Yesterday evening they said it was Blue Monday
I thought what a load of tosh.
Today slept well woke up had breakfast went back to bed, slept for 2 hours and woke up disconsolate Havent stopped since and my nose wont stop running to accompany the tears. So thats another cold to deal with.
Life is a bitch particularly today.
Roll on Friday. Not that the weekend is any better its just anther week over and done with. Moving on?
Min
Hi min
I think it must be the time of year, I have shed more tears today than I have for ages.i have a beautiful new collie dog and going sailing in February but it all seams so hopeless. Cyber hugs Min.
Sarah
Good Luck with the new puppy Sarah, I dont envy you the running to the door every now and then but as its so much colder here in the frozen north I would want to wait till summer time when the door is permanently open !
The smell of new puppies is oohh so nice but the cleaning is ugh. My last one we had a cat flap on the back door and she used the cat flap and when she could no longer get thru it we had to replace it with a big dog flap but she housetrained herself which was pretty darned good. Now out of all three of them she has the best bladder in the world…. Just as well as the three of them now live in the house with me and dont have access to the flap.
As for the tears I had a better day today, but dont expect it to last….. I am planning on going to one of those 'meets' on Sunday dont know if I can do it but need to get out and widen my horizons
Love MIn
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